Rachel Simmons, who was raised Catholic and later joined a Presbyterian church, shared that the closest she’s ever felt to true religion came from a childhood friendship. In middle school, Rachel, Margo Darragh, and Sam Lodge formed a group called “RMS” using the initials of their first names. This elevated their friendship to a sacred entity. Inspired by the adventure book series Warriors, the girls would sneak out of their rural Pennsylvania homes at night and ride on a four-wheeler into a forest on Lodge’s neighbor’s property. They divided the forest into four territories and each girl ruled over one. The central area with moss-covered rocks and a creek became their ceremonial site, where they would meditate, share their feelings, and drink water from the creek. These ceremonies were just one part of the elaborate set of practices that RMS created during their school years. They developed their own culture and built a deep bond.
Even though Rachel, Margo, and Sam, who are now 29 years old, still gather once a year during the winter holidays to play games, dance, and eat, their friendship feels less vibrant. Compared to the rich traditions they had growing up, the typical ways they spend time with their adult friends now feel dull. Rachel wonders, “How creative can you get when two couples are meeting for mini-golf from 7 to 9 p.m.?”
Like Rachel, many adults let go of the unhurried hangouts and imaginative play that make youthful friendships so special. However, friendships don’t have to lose their vitality as we grow up. By embracing a childlike approach to friendship, we can create connections that are ageless.
Making and maintaining friendships is essential for a child’s development. Catherine Bagwell, a psychology professor, explains that it’s practically the job of childhood and adolescence. Kids have fewer responsibilities and their lives are designed to foster connection. Whether on the playground or at school, children spend most of their waking hours surrounded by peers. They continue to spend time together after school in playdates, sports teams, and clubs.
Children often dedicate their time together to play. Shared space, the right company, and imagination are all they need to entertain themselves. But play is more than just a pastime, it’s a vulnerable way to connect with others. Analyzing conversations between children and their friends, psychologist Jeffrey Parker found that if one child introduces an unexpected idea, the other must build on it. This process of riffing together fosters deep connections and allows them to create something new.
Intense friendships can develop when kids spend so much time being creative together. Certain students dress the same, assign familial roles, and beg to sit together in class because they can’t bear to be apart. These friendships exude vitality and excitement.
RMS maintained a similar approach to friendship beyond the age of make-believe. They spent large stretches of time together without an agenda, engaging in what they called “free play.” They took familiar activities like sleepovers and invented complex rituals within them.
Adult friendships have their own benefits. Adults possess stronger cognitive, social, and emotional skills, which allow them to support friends better. With age comes longer-standing relationships and shared history, enriching understanding and depth of friendship. But as adults, time becomes scarce due to work, romantic partnerships, and caregiving. Potential friends don’t surround them as they did in school. Friendship becomes a luxury rather than a priority.
Under these circumstances, friends see each other less frequently and spend their time together differently. Efficiency leads to pairing socializing with other activities, like having a meal together. While this can be engaging, it lacks the uninhibited openness that comes with play.
Activities with less defined norms, known as “improvised” gatherings, can make some adults uncomfortable. There’s a pressure to have a clear purpose and a discomfort with the unknown. But prioritizing efficiency and following societal norms can lead to transactional friendships rather than meaningful connections. The limited time available for hangouts often results in catching up on life instead of creating shared memories.
Our grown-up minds often sap the fun out of improvised gatherings. Taking risks and embracing silliness require letting go of self-consciousness, which can be challenging for adults.
Our desire for playful connection doesn’t disappear after childhood. Some adults redirect it to romantic relationships. Couples spend free-flowing time together, develop their own culture, and create shared memories. But celebrating adult friendships in the same way is rare and difficult.
However, there are instances where adults embrace fun with friends, whether it’s attending themed movie screenings or participating in fantasy leagues. The challenge lies in prioritizing playfulness and embracing the rewards it brings.
In conclusion, maintaining a childlike approach to friendship can keep connections vibrant and ageless. By engaging in imaginative play, taking risks, and embracing silliness, adults can create profound bonds and make lasting memories with their friends.
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