My sister, who is in her early 70s, is 12 years older than me. Our relationship has always been a bit of a rollercoaster. We have some great times together on holidays, sharing laughter and making memories. However, she also has a tendency to make snide remarks, and when confronted, she brushes them off as jokes or misunderstandings. She can be controlling, snobbish, and close-minded, refusing to accept other people’s opinions if they don’t align with her own beliefs on how things should be done.
I suspect that my sister may be jealous of me because I’m younger, more easygoing, and appear to have a more glamorous lifestyle. I also seemed to receive more praise from our parents, which may have fueled her envy. The lowest point in our relationship was when our mother passed away. My sister insisted on taking charge of the funeral arrangements and refused to help me sort through our late mother’s belongings. Not only that, but she scheduled the funeral to take place two months after our mother’s death and on my birthday, which caused me great distress.
Feeling overwhelmed, I sought out a bereavement counselor who advised me that now that our parents are gone, it’s up to me to decide how often I want to see my sister, if at all. I made the decision to only see her if we could have an honest conversation and learn from our past experiences to build a more mature and balanced relationship. Unfortunately, my sister shut me out and claimed that there was no point in dwelling on the past.
I’m torn. On one hand, I feel heartless for not wanting to see my sister, but on the other hand, I believe life is too short to tolerate her manipulation and occasional hurtful comments. But can people really change? Perhaps if they could, who would have the authority to dictate how they should change? I empathize with both you and your sister as it’s clear that there has been a lot of pain for both of you. Whenever I receive letters about difficult sibling relationships, I’m reminded of Alexander Milov’s sculpture, Love, which depicts two adults turned away from each other while their inner children try to connect. It seems that your seesawing relationship is a result of these attempts to connect being hindered by deep-seated differences that pull you apart.
It’s significant that your sister chose to schedule your mother’s funeral on your birthday. This decision speaks to the loss and hurt she may have felt when you came into the picture all those years ago. It must have been difficult for her to see you receive more praise from your parents. However, I don’t want to disregard the impact she has had on you. Both of you have stories that need to be heard. Sibling relationships can be incredibly powerful, as evidenced by the popularity of my podcast episode on the topic.
Breaking these patterns is incredibly challenging if you don’t openly discuss the underlying rivalries. I consulted a registered family psychotherapist, Reenee Singh, who specializes in these types of dynamics. We explored the possibility that your sister’s experience of being on her own with your parents for 12 years before you came along may have shaped her behavior. Singh also emphasized that it’s not necessary to have an exceptionally close relationship with your sibling or cut them off entirely. There can be a middle ground, a more “formal” relationship.
Singh suggested that the seesawing effect may occur because one of you reaches out, suggesting a holiday together, but as you get closer, old rivalries and jealousies resurface, leading to snide comments. If you want to break this pattern, it’s crucial to have open conversations about the root causes of these conflicts. People often make snide remarks when they feel their emotions aren’t being acknowledged or when they’re afraid that expressing themselves will irreparably damage the relationship. Singh wondered if you and your sister would be open to therapy, even though your sister initially resisted delving into the past. Perhaps a third party can help facilitate productive discussions.
While it may not be possible to have the ideal relationship you desire, there might be a chance to salvage something. Singh suggested setting boundaries if you do manage to establish a connection. This could mean shorter holidays, separate accommodations, acknowledging and addressing conflicts when they arise, and avoiding situations that trigger them whenever possible. However, for now, it might be best to embrace a period of quiet reflection and give yourselves the space to consider what you truly want. If you need counseling, you can find information and resources at bacp.co.uk or ukcp.org.uk.
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