The question I am married with children. My wife and I are both of Muslim faith and in our early 40s. My wife has never been particularly interested in the way she looks and has never made much effort with her physical appearance – despite being naturally beautiful.
Over the past few years, I have struggled with this. She hasn’t lost her excess birth weight, and her hair has become noticeably thin. If she showed some concern, I would be less stressed, but she doesn’t seem to care.
In addition to her appearance, her religious devotion has been increasing. A few years ago, she started covering her head, which I disagreed with. I reluctantly accepted it on the condition that she would prioritize improving her physical health. However, no improvements have been made.
Her only motivation seems to be religion, and it bothers me that she is becoming more devout. I do love my wife, but her lack of self-care makes my eyes wander towards other women. I find myself fantasizing about other women constantly.
Am I the problem? Am I just being selfish in the midst of a mid-life crisis? Is it unreasonable for me to expect more from my partner?
Philippa’s answer I understand that you may have high expectations for your partner, but your dissatisfaction reflects some self-centeredness. It’s important to challenge the idea that women are answerable to men.
It’s crucial to respect her autonomy and choices, including her decision to cover her head and deepen her religious devotion. You have no right to give or withhold permission in these matters. Treat her as an equal and take responsibility for your own behavior. Blaming her for your own actions is unfair.
Consider whether societal pressures or personal insecurities are influencing your expectations. Remember that people age and physical appearance changes over time.
You say you love her, which is great. Love is more than a feeling; it requires action. Engage in discussions about faith and spirituality to deepen your connection and understanding of each other. Instead of making demands, support her in achieving her goals, whether they involve physical health or otherwise. Be a partner who encourages and uplifts, rather than criticizes.
Focus on your own personal growth and self-improvement instead of blaming your wife for your unhappiness. Re-evaluate your expectations, appreciating her qualities, values, and shared experiences. A marriage involves equal influence from both partners, so be open to being influenced by her.
Rather than looking outside yourself and assigning blame, work on yourself and grow together with your wife. Consider reading recommended books or seeking therapy as part of this journey.
Every week, Philippa Perry addresses personal problems sent by readers. For advice from Philippa, send your problem to [email protected]. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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