One of the initial signs of a potential friendship is finding common ground, such as shared interests or hobbies. This can lead to enjoyable activities like bottomless brunches or playground dates for those with kids. As the friendship progresses, you and your new companion exchange text messages, making plans and reassuring each other that your actions are normal, while attributing the “crazy” behavior to others. The occasional heart emoji adds warmth and affection to your messages.
However, over time, minor misunderstandings and misalignments may occur, and they seem to happen more frequently with your friend. These issues may appear trivial individually, but they start to accumulate, causing frustration. Eventually, you find yourself receiving what therapists call a “giant block of text” from your friend. This lengthy message highlights everything you’re doing wrong or perceived slights. Shannon Barrett, a licensed clinical social worker, reveals that many of her female clients experience these overwhelming paragraphs. I can relate to this as well, having received a message expressing dissatisfaction with the frequency of my texts. In my case, I dislike texting, as it doesn’t feel like a genuine act of friendship to me. Responding to such messages can leave you feeling guilty and perplexed, like a synchronized diver making a belly flop.
Some therapists believe that these friendship performance evaluations are becoming more common, although there’s no definitive data to support this. Loneliness is on the rise, with people spending less time with friends, leading the surgeon general to label it an “epidemic.” In the past, friendships seemed more intense, evident from the impassioned letters exchanged between Victorians. Nowadays, receiving a simple “slay, queen” on your birthday is considered fortunate.
Despite the growing popularity of guides on how to end friendships, therapists insist that there’s a kinder and more realistic approach to navigating a friendship that may be lacking in certain areas. Breaking up with friends and severing ties shouldn’t be the default solution. Instead, the key is to cultivate additional friendships.
Having certain expectations in a friendship is reasonable. Most people have an unspoken wish list or set of qualities they look for in their friends. Communication professor Jeffrey Hall categorizes these expectations into six groups: genuine positive regard, self-disclosure, instrumental aid, similarity, enjoyment, and agency. Women tend to prioritize positive regard and self-disclosure, while men lean towards agency. However, few people explicitly communicate these expectations. Instead, they are established and adjusted through the course of the friendship. For example, disclosing personal information to a friend and finding them trustworthy builds the foundation for future disclosures.
This lack of clarity and established expectations is what makes friendship so captivating yet frustrating. We depend on people who may not realize the weight of that dependency. Addressing failures and disappointments may jeopardize the relationship since friendships are fluid and voluntary. Applying pressure to a best friend might blind us to the potential camaraderie and sympathy provided by casual connections. Instead of relying on one or two people to fulfill all our needs, it’s healthier to diversify our friendships. Different friends can fulfill different roles, such as being good listeners or fun travel companions. The person you call in a crisis may not be the same friend who can make you laugh at happy hour.
If a friend lets you down, communication is crucial, ideally using phrases like “I felt Y when you X.” Addressing issues, rather than avoiding or accumulating them, contributes to a healthier relationship. However, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone will meet your expectations, no matter how skillfully you communicate them. For example, a perpetually late friend may never change their behavior. In such cases, it’s important to seek connections with others who can fulfill those needs. This doesn’t mean severing ties with the disappointing friend. You can find someone else who remembers your birthday while still appreciating the positive aspects of your current friendship. This approach reduces frustration when a friend doesn’t meet your expectations and allows you to acknowledge and appreciate the efforts they do make, such as sending a meal when you’re unwell.
Friendship requires endurance, yet the fast-paced nature of modern life often leads to avoidance. We tend to turn away from things, people, and encounters that bother us, instead of fostering nurturing relationships. Sheila Liming, author of “Hanging Out,” emphasizes the importance of resisting this habit. While enthusiasm and ardor for new connections may fade quickly, so do feelings of dislike and dismissal. Therefore, we must challenge ourselves to sustain and nurture the friendships we have.
Denial of responsibility! VigourTimes is an automatic aggregator of Global media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, and all materials to their authors. For any complaint, please reach us at – [email protected]. We will take necessary action within 24 hours.