The question: My husband’s unemployment is taking a toll on our relationship. Despite his skills and experience in his field, he struggles with interpersonal relationships, leading to job loss. He lacks emotional intelligence, making him unable to navigate complex dynamics with colleagues. As a result, I take on most parenting, family, and social responsibilities, leaving me exhausted and isolated.
He’s registered with job agencies but is still waiting for opportunities. When our son leaves home, I fear I’ll feel even more alone. Although my own career is thriving, I worry about neglecting my husband’s needs and leaving him feeling unloved if I focus on myself too much.
Philippa’s answer:
It’s often said that behind every great man is a great woman, but sometimes a woman’s potential is hindered by a man who requires excessive attention and effort.
Your husband appears to lack perspective-taking abilities, only seeing the world from his own point of view. This self-centeredness may stem from being on the autistic spectrum, affecting his interpersonal skills. While talented in his field, he may struggle to connect with others. It’s common for high-level executives to secure positions through networking rather than solely relying on recruitment agencies.
You’re carrying the emotional and practical burden of the family, leaving little time for self-care. Since your husband struggles to understand your perspective, you often feel lonely. While he values your friendship, the same may not be true for him. The unemployment situation may be the breaking point, as you were more tolerant when he had a job.
Consider suggesting that he undergoes testing for autism to better understand his needs and improve your marriage. Alternatively, seeking guidance from a clinical psychologist could be beneficial.
It’s possible that both of you have developed coping mechanisms from your chaotic childhoods. By avoiding emotional work, he may be avoiding retraumatizing himself. Exploring his past in therapy could help him recognize self-sabotaging behaviors. Therapy provides an opportunity to unpack past experiences and rebuild healthier perspectives. Although it requires effort, now that he’s not working and finances are stable, it’s an ideal time for him to do this necessary work. However, this means extending yourself to support him rather than solely focusing on your own needs.
Your own coping mechanism may involve prioritizing others over yourself due to your upbringing. Engaging in therapy can help shift the burden from your shoulders to his, allowing you to focus on your own growth.
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