Age 16-25
When it comes to your first time having sex, don’t stress about it being perfect. Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships, and Bodies, suggests shifting your mindset. Instead of viewing sex as one big “first time,” break it down into different experiences such as oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands, or using toys. Even if you have all these experiences with one person, there will always be new things to explore with a different partner.
The most important thing in any sexual experience is communication. This applies to people of all ages, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights. Clear communication about your desires, preferences, and boundaries is not easy, but it becomes better as you get older and more confident in expressing your needs. Don’t underestimate how much sex improves with age and the ability to communicate effectively.
Being ready for sex goes beyond just a feeling. It involves practical and emotional considerations as well. Milly Evans highlights important questions to ask yourself: Does the idea of sex make you excited or anxious? Are you knowledgeable about contraception, STIs, and consent? Do you know where to seek support if something doesn’t go as planned? Do you feel the need to drink alcohol to feel confident enough for sex? Is there a safe place for you to engage in sexual activity? Safety, comfort, and well-being are essential. If you can’t answer these questions positively, it may indicate that you’re not ready.
Remember that sex is a mutual experience. Don’t hesitate to speak up about your wants and needs and encourage your partner to do the same.
Before engaging in sex, take time to reflect and prepare. Milly Evans suggests examining your boundaries regarding touch, communication, and time. Consider if the relationships or sex you see in media align with what you desire for yourself. Remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you. Be vocal about your desires and encourage your partner to do the same.
Avoid exposing yourself to negativity that may impact your body image. Sex educator Emily Nagoski advises assessing how media and pornography influence your perception of your body. If something makes you feel worse about your body, avoid it. It is especially crucial to be cautious about consuming porn, as mainstream sites can normalize sexual violence and exploitation, affecting mental health and the ability to develop healthy relationships, especially in teenagers.
You have the right to change your mind. Don’t feel pressured to engage in any sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable. You can always say no or take a pause, even after initially saying yes.
Age 25-35
Enjoying the feeling of arousal together can lead to happier sexual experiences. US sex therapist Stephen Snyder suggests “simmering” with your partner, meaning to indulge in moments of intimate bodily contact even when sex itself isn’t the focus. This could involve light touching while fully clothed, creating a buzz of desire.
Penetrative sex and simultaneous orgasm aren’t the only indicators of a satisfying sexual experience. Many cultural beliefs surrounding sexual excellence are being debunked by science, and it’s important to challenge these ingrained ideas. Author Silva Neves states that many gay men prefer oral sex and intimate touching over anal sex, and many women can have fulfilling sex without penis-in-vagina penetration. Find what works for you rather than conforming to societal expectations.
Creating the right conditions for sex is essential. Context matters, as explained by Emily Nagoski. When you feel relaxed, loved, and fully present, you’re likely to have better experiences. It’s important to be mentally and emotionally available rather than distracted by external stressors. Great sex is not solely determined by specific acts or techniques; it’s about sharing sensations within a context of trust, connection, and understanding what great sex truly means to you.
Remember that you have the choice to not have sex at all. Aimée Lutkin suggests that having less sex could reflect a greater self-awareness in today’s hypersexual society. Take the time to consider what you truly want from sex. Is it intimacy, community, or distraction? Being in touch with your needs increases the likelihood of making the connections you desire.
Commitment and monogamy can bring excitement to sex. Clover Stroud realized in her 30s that good sex begins with feeling psychologically seen and building trust with your partner. Taking risks together becomes thrilling. At this point, commitment and monogamy can be explored in an exhilarating way.
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to take a backseat when dealing with life’s various stresses. Emily Nagoski acknowledges that when you have a new baby, care for an elderly parent, or experience work-related overwhelm, sex may not be at the top of your priority list. However, it can still serve as a stress reliever for some. Don’t panic about it; it’s a phase that will pass once the stressors are managed, and you’ll find your way back to a more active sexual life.
Share a six-second kiss with your partner. This simple act guarantees the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with emotional bonding. Greeting each other with a kiss or a 20-second hug at the end of the day can strengthen your connection.
Make sex a priority, rather than treating it as the last item on your to-do list. John Gottman suggests planning romantic getaways or overnight dates at least four times a year. By prioritizing sex and creating special moments, you invest in your sexual and emotional intimacy.
Avoid trying to guess what your partner will enjoy. Honest communication is vital for sustaining sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships and understanding each other’s desires. Remember that orgasms can be achieved through various methods and that individual preferences can differ. Don’t assume that what worked with a previous partner will work with a new one. Open and honest communication about what works for you is key.
Regardless of age, masturbation can be a valuable way to explore your body and fantasies. Take the time to learn what turns you on. Ethical visual, written, and audio erotic content can enhance your solo experience.
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