The question I have been married to the same man for years. However, I keep going over what happened 45 years ago when my husband had an affair. I was in my 20s with four young children and I was young and naive. It took a long time for me to get over it. It’s only recently that I’ve asked him about it. He says he was flattered that someone was interested. Why do I still have it at the back of my mind? Can you please let me know why?
Philippa’s answer It’s still in your mind because you haven’t had a satisfactory explanation from him – his explanation of feeling flattered falls short – and so there remain unanswered questions. If there was no agreement to have an open relationship, infidelity can be devastating. Memories don’t always fade away with time, especially when it comes to traumatic events. It’s natural to constantly think about it even after all these years.
Why is an affair so traumatic? It breaks the intimate bond between partners in a monogamous relationship. This bond represents safety, as your closest relationship is your sanctuary. It’s a place where you can be vulnerable and secure. Evolutionarily, humans have always relied on others for survival, so when a partner strays, it can feel like a threat to your very existence, shaking the ground beneath you.
Affairs often occur due to communication problems between partners. One spouse may fear showing vulnerability and admitting their dependence and needs. It may seem easier to argue or accuse instead of acknowledging weaknesses. This can lead to loneliness and create a space for intimacy outside the relationship, resulting in an affair.
Having young children can temporarily put personal needs on hold, making it tempting to have an affair rather than discussing those needs. It’s unfortunate that more conversation and understanding didn’t happen at the time. Men are often raised to be strong and tough, which can hinder open discussions about feelings and vulnerabilities.
Accusations and arguments can create a dynamic of one person being right and the other wrong, leaving one feeling uncared for. This can lead to an affair. Alternatively, both partners may avoid addressing disparities, resulting in unresolved conflicts and feelings of loneliness.
Some individuals have affairs because they like the idea of maintaining multiple identities, such as being a responsible family person while also having a mistress. Serial affairs can be a result of sex addiction or a desire to avoid the complexities of a long-term relationship.
Consider these different types of affairs to gain insight into the underlying causes of your husband’s actions. Discussing these possibilities with your partner could lead to closure and a deeper understanding of each other.
When you were in your 20s, you trusted completely and surrendered to love. It wasn’t naivety, but rather an expression of deep affection. Betrayal in such circumstances can cause immense pain and make you feel unsafe. That’s why you still think about it. Significant events from our past often become more pronounced with time.
For further help, contact relate.org.uk
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