Dear Ms Understanding,
Thank you for sharing your articles. I wanted to discuss a frustrating issue I face as a white male with a Thai wife. On more than one occasion, I have encountered middle-aged white men who casually mention that they have considered getting a Thai wife as well. These assumptions and stereotypes are offensive and incorrect, and it bothers both me and my wife. While I usually respond with disbelief and silence, internally I feel the urge to educate them by highlighting my wife’s higher qualifications and the fact that we met in an educational setting.
However, part of me wonders if it’s worth the effort. I often find myself questioning whether I should even bother engaging in these conversations. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation? Thank you.
Dear Hubby,
It is absolutely infuriating when someone you love is the target of careless racist assumptions, and I empathize with both you and your partner for having to deal with the direct effects of racism.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand your disbelief when faced with these comments. Are you surprised because you expect people to be better? Or is it because you personally would never make such assumptions, and therefore find it hard to believe that other white individuals would? Recognize that maintaining a state of perpetual shock in the face of repeated experiences of racism often stems from the idea of racial innocence, as described by Gloria Wekker, a Black Dutch scholar.
When confronted with racist comments about your partner, maintaining a strong sense of disbelief, based on the assumption that the “good” or “regular” white people you interact with won’t be racist, becomes a hindrance. Disbelief prevents you from responding firmly and swiftly.
While it may seem tempting to dismiss these people who hold racist views, it’s important to understand that they are not uniquely terrible individuals (though their beliefs certainly are terrible). This realization should motivate you to respond.
You, as a white person, have a unique opportunity to challenge them. They are open with you precisely because of your whiteness, so take that access seriously. Speaking out against racism will not only defend your partner but also remind these individuals that racism is offensive to all, regardless of their race.
Let’s get practical. In social settings, start by asking a simple question like, “What do you mean by that?” This prompts the person to justify their comment and explain themselves.
Based on their response, you can engage further. Remember, you are not speaking on behalf of your wife or protecting her. She is more than capable of standing up for herself if needed. Instead, you are engaging as someone who is personally offended by their offensive stereotypes.
You can simply state, “My partner and I are equals, and I find the stereotypes you are using deeply offensive.” Avoid phrases like, “That’s my wife you’re talking about,” as it implies that the offensiveness stems from her relationship to you rather than the harmful nature of the stereotypes themselves. By focusing on the issue at hand, you highlight the injustice.
While it may be tempting to highlight your wife’s education to challenge their stereotypes, be cautious as it could unintentionally exceptionalize her. The comments would still be racist, even if she had a different level of education. It’s crucial to defend the principle and speak out against the stereotype of the submissive, sexualized Thai woman, rather than solely defending your wife’s honor.
Confronting these situations may feel uncomfortable, but with practice, you will become better at delivering firm yet concise responses and moving on. Ultimately, you don’t want to waste your time entertaining conversations with individuals like that. Standing up to these comments will not only shut down the conversation but also create opportunities to engage with more interesting people.
Wishing you the best of luck!
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