Editor’s Note: Abby Freireich and Brian Platzer answer questions about children’s education from readers every Tuesday. Have a question? Email them at [email protected].
Dear Abby and Brian,
Our 14-year-old daughter, whom I’ll refer to as “Pam,” is currently experiencing a difficult time. Last week, I discovered her in tears while looking at a photo of herself covered in insults such as “teacher’s pet” and “suck-up.” This photo appears to have been screenshotted from an Instagram post. According to Pam, it had been circulating for weeks before she saw it. She doesn’t know who created it, and she won’t provide any additional information apart from “everyone else knew about it.”
I am both furious and deeply saddened for Pam. We have always prohibited her from using social media, so I can’t help but feel partly responsible for this situation. Perhaps it wouldn’t have happened if she were on a platform that most of her friends use. I have always viewed her active participation in class as a positive aspect of her academic life, but could it be turning her classmates against her? Does the school have any responsibility for dealing with online bullying? My husband and I want to support Pam, but we are unsure where to begin.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Bullying is a distressing experience for both children and their parents, and cyberbullying can be particularly harmful due to its anonymity and widespread reach. You and Pam are not alone in facing this issue: more than a third of teenagers report being bullied online. It’s common for parents to blame themselves for circumstances beyond their control, but it’s important to remember that this is not your fault, nor is it Pam’s. However, it is crucial to take steps to protect Pam from further harm, even though it may be challenging. When considering how to address the situation, prioritize Pam’s agency and involve her in the decision-making process.
Start by having a conversation with Pam, focusing on her emotions rather than her actions in class, as blaming her will only make her feel responsible. Encourage her to reach out to her support network, including family, friends, and teachers who care about her. Perhaps she wants to confide in a trusted friend or seek advice from a family member. Urge Pam to share her feelings and any information she may have about the incident with you. Understanding the context will help determine the next steps. If you are concerned about Pam’s mental well-being, seek immediate assistance from a counselor or therapist.
While supporting Pam’s emotional needs, discuss potential strategies for addressing the offensive post. Follow Pam’s lead and respect her preferences. One option is to report the incident to Instagram, which can review and potentially remove the inappropriate content without revealing the reporter’s identity. If Pam knows who created or shared the post, she could consider directly asking them to take it down. If she is uncomfortable having this conversation alone, suggest that a friend accompany her. However, if Pam discloses the identity of the individual involved, it is advisable not to confront the student or their parents, as it may exacerbate the situation for Pam. Instead, the school should take responsibility for taking appropriate disciplinary action.
Even though the incident occurred outside of school grounds, it impacts multiple members of the school community. Discuss with Pam how she would like to inform the school about what happened, whether through a conversation with an advisor, a teacher, or through a meeting with an administrator. The school should be proactive in discussing the importance of responsible online behavior with students. It is crucial for students to understand that even after offensive posts are removed, they can still cause distress to the targeted individuals. Schools should also clearly establish a zero-tolerance policy towards cyberbullying. Consider suggesting that the school facilitate small-group discussions on how to support those who are victims of cyberbullying. These conversations will empower students to stand up for one another.
In this challenging time, Pam needs to know that she has agency and support to navigate this painful incident. Assure her that you and others are there to help her, and closely monitor her well-being to intervene if necessary. Coping with the consequences of bullying can be overwhelming, but it can also help her develop resilience in the long run.
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