When I mingle with people at social gatherings and disclose that I am a psychosexual therapist, I am often approached with a hushed tone and the question of how to revive a sex life in a marriage that has lost its spark. This is a common issue I face in my clinic as well, and the underlying cause is typically a disparity in sexual desire. However, the reasons for this disparity can sometimes be complex.
A recent survey revealed that Brits are having sex less than once a week. Google searches for the term “dead bedroom,” which refers to couples experiencing a prolonged period of sexual inactivity, have risen by 223% in the past year. Behind these statistics, I believe we have a nation of couples where one partner desires more sex than the other. Surprisingly, I see just as many women craving more sexual intimacy in their relationships as men do.
This phenomenon has been coined as the “libido gap,” and many content couples suffer from it. In fact, I have come to the realization that it is almost inevitable for most relationships to experience this gap at some point. The libido gap occurs when one partner desires more sex than the other, and it can just as likely be the woman who desires more sex.
We tend to build barriers and create obstacles that eventually lead to sex becoming laden with emotional baggage, causing us to distance ourselves from each other and spiral downwards in our relationship. When sex becomes problematic, life itself can feel askew.
However, you can resolve this issue and bridge the libido gap by dismantling damaging beliefs that hinder intimacy and breaking free from behavior patterns that erode the passion you once had for each other. Continue reading for my seven-step guide on how to breathe new life into your relationship and enjoy the best sex of your life, even with a partner you’ve been sleeping beside for decades.
1. Adjust Your Expectations: Many women assume their partner has certain expectations regarding sex, even in long-term relationships. This assumption leads them to believe that any kiss or touch will automatically escalate to having sex, causing them to become hesitant to engage in any form of physical intimacy, whether in or out of the bedroom. This avoidance of touch becomes pervasive, and men also withdraw. The absence of touch is detrimental to any relationship, leaving both partners feeling isolated and uncertain about how to reconnect. To remedy this, I recommend each partner clarifying how much sex they would be content with. Surprisingly, in almost every couple I’ve worked with, the desired frequency of sex has been less than what they assumed the other person wanted. Discovering that both partners can be satisfied with less frequent sex eases the pressure and allows for a calmer approach to touch, sex, and connection. While some individuals may still desire sex every night, most simply need to feel wanted and connect once a week or every fortnight.
2. Use Sex as a Starting Point: A fascinating trend I’ve noticed in my practice is the growing number of men, young and physically attractive, who lack interest in sex. This disheartens their equally attractive wives or partners. Although these couples love each other, the men often opt for activities like binge-watching a TV series instead of engaging in sexual intimacy. This leads their partners to believe that they have lost sexual interest. The issue is that these partners have no experience of sustaining intimacy beyond immediate desire, so they need to learn how to make it a habit. To combat this, I suggest breaking the monotony of everyday life together. Try something new, whether it’s discussing your dreams for the future or going on a bike ride. For instance, if a couple is too exhausted to have sex after a rare date night, I may suggest a lunchtime date on the weekend followed by intimate moments. Alternatively, couples can engage in “pre-emptive” sex before a date night to relieve any pressure and foster playfulness. Arriving at dates separately can also inject excitement, freeing both partners from bickering and allowing them to experience the anticipation associated with being attracted to each other, just like when they initially started dating.
3. Experiment with Role-Play: Many couples find themselves stuck in a rut where one person consistently initiates sex while the other feels wanted. Switching roles can lead to a deeper understanding of each other’s sexual desires. For instance, one of my clients, whom I’ll refer to as Beth, had lost interest in sex with her long-term partner, Stan. They had been together for a decade, had a toddler, and a child who had just started school. Although she loved Stan and found him attractive, she no longer desired him due to his constant desire. She felt overwhelmed and believed there was no space for her own desire to grow. As a result, she lost touch with what ignited her sexual desire. After working together, we devised a plan where they agreed to reverse roles. Beth became the initiator, and Stan allowed her to take the lead. This meant that he stopped initiating altogether and gave her the freedom to explore her turn-ons. Within a few weeks, her desire was no longer overshadowed by Stan’s. Beth started actively wanting sex, and Stan relished feeling desired. He allowed Beth to set the pace, and she began to feel more open, relaxed, and empowered in her newfound sexual autonomy. So, if you find yourselves in a similar situation, don’t be afraid to shake things up and explore different roles. By doing so, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourselves and each other sexually. Beth developed a greater sense of compassion towards Stan and the emotions he experienced when she rejected him.
4. Create a “Touch Jar”: A couple named Jenny and Mark loved each other dearly. Jenny admired Mark for his warmth, kindness, sensitivity, and fun nature. They were both in their forties and contemplating moving in together. However, their sex life was not living up to their expectations. Jenny yearned for spontaneous passion, while Mark struggled to connect with this desire. He felt alarmed and ashamed for not embodying the stereotypical “alpha male.” This mismatch was causing issues, despite getting everything else in the relationship right. To address this, Jenny and Mark decided to create a “touch jar.” They individually wrote down their sexual preferences on colored Post-It notes, assigning different colors based on the intensity or level of intimacy desired for each activity. For example, pink represented kissing or cuddling, yellow indicated a massage or shared bath, and green indicated engaging in sex in a new position. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by Jenny’s impromptu demands, this jar allowed Mark to choose what he wanted and when, fostering a sense of openness and playfulness. When we reconvened, Jenny and Mark were bubbling with excitement. They had been using the jar frequently to initiate sexual moments. Mark now had the agency to approach Jenny on his own terms, with the element of surprise heightened since he didn’t know which Post-It note he would pick. Alternatively, Jenny could initiate, and Mark could choose the level of intimacy he desired. Autonomy, trust, and safety play vital roles in sexual experiences. By expressing your likes, dislikes, and potential areas of exploration, you establish a foundation of mutual understanding and consent. The act of selecting Post-It notes from a jar can even invigorate the relationship with an element of anticipation and excitement.
Incorporating these techniques and strategies into your relationship can help address the libido gap you may be experiencing. Don’t be afraid to try new approaches and communicate openly with your partner. Rediscovering the passion and connection you once had is possible, no matter how long you’ve been together. With patience and effort, you can revitalize your sex life and strengthen your relationship.
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