Comment on this story:
Dear Carolyn,
I am a fortunate single 75-year-old woman who recently had the opportunity to move into a house next door that was purchased by my oldest son. This allows me to spend time with my young grandkids, which brings me immense joy. However, I have a problem with my daughter-in-law and her rules regarding gifts. While I understand and respect her rules, there is a lack of urgency when it comes to opening the gifts I send. This has been a long-standing annoyance for me, and now that I live nearby, I would like to give my gifts on the day of at my own home. I anticipate resistance from my daughter-in-law. I feel like my hands are tied in many ways when it comes to the kids, and it hampers the fun we could have. For example, when I was a guest in their home, I wasn’t allowed to help with chores because I couldn’t meet her standards. There are certainly good qualities about her, and my son seems happy, but her behavior towards the family is frustrating.
Next Door,
If I understand correctly, you see living next door as an opportunity to assert yourself in power struggles with your daughter-in-law. It seems like you want to celebrate your newfound freedom by trying to control the gift-opening situation. However, I believe there is more to your story.
While I acknowledge your frustrations about not being involved in domestic tasks due to your daughter-in-law’s strict standards, I find it hard to believe that she is the one calling all the shots and favoring her own family. After all, she agreed to purchase the house next door for you, even if there may be some underlying tension. This suggests that your place in the family is more secure than you think.
Moreover, the bigger issue at hand is maintaining a strong relationship with your son’s family, which includes access to your grandchildren, love, inclusion, and care as you age. The timing of gift-unwrapping, in comparison, seems trivial in comparison.
I urge you not to use your proximity as a means to regain control over family rituals. Instead, focus on being the supportive mother (in-law) that your son and daughter-in-law need. Show them that their decision to have you close and involved in their daily lives was the right one. Let go of the need to control household tasks and gift-opening ceremonies. This will ultimately lead to a more harmonious relationship with your family.
In terms of your daughter-in-law’s rules, it’s important to remember that your opinion is only relevant if they ask for it. Embrace the role of being a daily grandmother and embrace the freedom from household chores. Find joy in the close proximity and cherish the time you spend with your grandkids. Lastly, let go of the need to argue over the timing of gift openings. This battle is not worth fighting.
Best of luck,
Carolyn
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