Even a basic gym membership in Britain can easily cost a minimum of £30 per month. This makes it one of the first expenses to be cut when facing the financial strain of the current cost of living crisis. As a licensed bouncer and security guard, I earn £11.76 per hour. Even working my contracted 48 hours a week, along with overtime and additional door work, I have as much chance of affording a £615 per month membership at KX Life Chelsea as getting handcuffed to a ghost.
However, I cannot afford to be lazy. My job requires a basic level of fitness, as I not only serve as a first aider and emergency responder, but also as a human roadblock. I need to be capable of sprinting, restraining individuals, carrying cones, standing upright for extended periods, and occasionally even jumping to catch an escaped 18th birthday balloon. Additionally, outside of work, I must ensure my heart doesn’t give out from shock when I see my gas bill skyrocket from £25 to £143 per month.
Contrary to the stereotype of the muscular doorman, I never aspired to have a bodybuilder physique. Flexing muscles is more likely to attract trouble than deter it. Furthermore, outside of work, few people desire a life partner who spends all their free time at the gym.
As a naturally slim individual (or as my girlfriend refers to me, “Where’s Wally with an asbo”), I have found that bodyweight exercises suit me well. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been captivated by the training scenes of characters like Clubber Lang in Rocky III and Sarah Connor doing chin-ups in Terminator 2. As an adult, I’m usually too exhausted to go for a run after my shift ends at night.
Throughout my 20 years of work in frontline security, I have discovered the exercises that have helped me maintain a decent level of fitness to protect others. These exercises also prepare me for the everyday lifting, swinging, and pushing I encounter in my personal life.
Let’s start with push-ups. Forget about the painful memories of PE class – push-ups are achievable for anyone. Begin by pushing off from a wall, then gradually move onto lower surfaces until you can perform push-ups horizontally on the floor. For an extra challenge, try the advanced move of a one-arm push-up against the wall.
Improving your overhead pushing skills is also important. This movement is useful for retrieving items from high shelves or, if you happen to be the Leader of the House of Commons, for carrying a ceremonial sword without painkillers. Work towards a pike press by starting in a plank position, lifting your hips back and up into a triangle shape, then slowly lowering your head towards the floor and pushing back up.
For additional core work, incorporate Hindu push-ups by swooping your chest up at the bottom of the descent. Be prepared for some sore arm muscles the next morning, reminiscent of receiving two BCG injections.
Next, let’s focus on pull-ups and chin-ups. Begin by practicing dead hangs, where you dangle from any overhead surface with your feet off the ground. If achievable, try “fridge-ups” by gripping the top of a standard 70-inch combi unit and raising your bent legs up behind you.
I once witnessed my boss, who was in his fifties, demonstrate his vertical pulling skills while we were guarding a house occupied by a stoned squatter. Using the edge of the downstairs bathroom roof, he lifted himself up, walked across it, and politely asked the squatter through a top-floor window if they would mind opening the door.
To strengthen your back and lat muscles while carrying a heavy backpack, I recommend incorporating Aussie pull-ups into your routine. Lie on your back under a knee-to-waist-high bar, grab it, lift yourself up, and then lower yourself back down while keeping your midsection straight.
Moving on to leg exercises, let’s discuss Bulgarian split squats. These are excellent for training your glutes, hamstrings, and quads while improving mobility. Position a chair against a wall, stand a few steps in front of it facing away, and place the toes of one foot on the seat. Sink lower until the thigh of your front leg is parallel or just below parallel with the ground. Ensure your knee doesn’t extend past your toes. For an added challenge, try jumping or hold a dumbbell.
To develop a hip-hinging movement, essential for reaching lower shelves in supermarkets, try Romanian deadlifts. Bend forward from the waist with your hands either in line with your knees or outstretched while holding a weight. Focus on maintaining a straight back rather than the amount of weight you can lift. No one is impressed by your numbers unless you’re a professional powerlifter.
Don’t neglect your core muscles. While some bodybuilders add sets of crunches to their workouts, I believe it’s essential to dedicate a session solely to core exercises. Russian twists can be performed anywhere, involving a twisting motion from side to side while sitting on the ground with your heels raised. This exercise is handy for quickly unloading a van.
Now, let’s address the importance of cardiovascular exercise. Strength is crucial, but the most vital muscle in your body, the one that beats through your chest when payday approaches, is your heart. If you’re unable to go for a run due to childcare responsibilities or unsuitable footwear, combine the above exercises without resting between sets to elevate your heart rate.
This approach is similar to the fitness routine followed by Jack LaLanne in the 1950s. At the age of 54, he famously defeated a 21-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger in a push-up and chin-up competition after Schwarzenegger claimed the title of youngest-ever Mr. Universe. For me, completing a 20-minute circuit of these exercises makes me feel as though I’ve completed a cross-country run without leaving my kitchen.
When it comes to achieving your desired results, it’s crucial to consider rep ranges. Generally, it’s accepted that sets of one to five reps focus on building power, five to eight reps build strength, eight to twelve reps build muscle, and more than twelve reps build endurance. To avoid hitting a plateau, incorporate periodization into your workouts, alternating between focusing on strength, endurance, and power. It’s important to note that doing the same routine of five sets of five reps indefinitely will eventually lead to stagnation in progress.
Finally, allow for periods of rest and recovery. Occasionally, I find myself being tempted by new fitness trends when my friends start discussing them. They talk about battle ropes, and suddenly, I feel compelled to try them out. However, it’s important to remember the importance of deloading – giving your body the chance to recover and recharge.
Ultimately, finding a fitness routine that works for you and fits into your lifestyle is essential. Stick with it, listen to your body, and make adjustments as needed. Your overall well-being and physical fitness are worth the effort.
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