- My friend, who is queer, and I usually frequent gay bars. However, she invited me to an exclusive party for queer women.
- Initially, I felt uncomfortable at the party, but soon realized that this space allowed me to be my authentic self.
- Attending the party made me reflect on how much I prioritize seeking attention from men at gay bars.
As I watched Monica confidently adorn herself with black tape “X’s” on her nipples and wear a translucent crop top that showcased her tiger and snake tattoos, I realized that my admiration for her body art transcended any focus on her breasts – it was a reaffirmation of my homosexuality.
“Will there be attractive guys at the party tonight?” I asked hopefully.
Matter-of-factly, Monica replied while applying pink eyeshadow, “It’s a lesbian party.”
Quickly, I put on my ripped jeans, a fitted black cotton shirt, and a few silver chains. I also applied shiny lip balm, just in case.
Monica and I have been best friends since our time in church youth group during middle school. Coincidentally, we ended up attending the same high school and both came out as adults.
We had gone out together on numerous occasions, but it had always been to gay bars. That night marked our first experience in a space specifically designed for queer women. While gay bars were crucial for my social life and sense of belonging, I never questioned whether Monica needed the same kind of safe haven.
However, that night taught me that every individual within our LGBTQ+ community deserves spaces that cater to their unique definitions of love. Moreover, I unexpectedly found a sense of liberation within myself.
Uncomfortable at first, I embraced the party for queer women in Miami
When we arrived at No. 3 Social in Miami, a gathering featuring the “who’s who” of Miami lesbians, Monica led the way. It felt like stepping into a whole new world.
I loved going to gay bars because the possibilities were endless. When surrounded by tipsy single men, fun knew no bounds. However, when the gender ratio shifted, I felt out of place. I couldn’t rely on flirtation to socialize, so I simply followed Monica like a loyal companion.
The venue itself wasn’t vastly different from a typical nightlife party, except that it exclusively hosted a lesbian event. However, there was an undeniable difference in the atmosphere.
I didn’t have specific expectations for what a lesbian party would look like, but it managed to be both ordinary and unique. Many attendees seemed already acquainted, reflecting the smaller world queer nightlife creates.
While Monica became the social butterfly, working every corner of the room, I took it upon myself to buy us drinks at the bar – my default strategy in uncomfortable party situations.
Once I let go of my unease, the party became an incredible experience
Monica urged me to relax and embrace the vibes, and that’s when the party truly began.
I had never witnessed anything like it before – women making out on sofas, flirting and grinding with each other, and simply having a carefree time.
It was May 2021, and it was my first time seeing women mingle without the presence of men. Being out of my element, I became blissfully unaware of the space I occupied. In gay bars, my queerness was free to roam like a wild boar, but I was always conscious of every attractive guy around me and how I was being perceived. In those spaces, I was liberated from the patriarchy but still enslaved to the male gaze.
In stark contrast, once I accepted that lesbians were part of my community, I focused solely on enjoying myself. I could express my queerness without worrying about looking cute or dancing elegantly. I also found myself engaging with queer strangers without any ulterior motives or concerns about being hit on.
The lesbians I met were just as fascinating and open-minded as my fellow gay men. Despite being a different sex, I felt a strong sense of connection with like-minded individuals.
I continued attending lesbian gatherings and was surprised by the acceptance from Monica’s friends
As I started spending more time with Monica’s friends, she advised me to refrain from referring to the group solely as lesbians. She explained that not all of her friends identified with the assumptions I made about their gender or sexuality.
I had mistakenly categorized queer women as either “butch” or “lipstick” lesbians, disregarding their individuality. I also underestimated their party culture due to stereotypes associated with females. Above all, I never thought to take Monica to a lesbian bar during the numerous times she visited me in New York. It wasn’t just selfishness; I was missing out on valuable experiences.
I also realized how self-conscious I had been about being liked, especially when men were part of the equation. By solely fixating on attractive strangers, I potentially overlooked the opportunity to form meaningful friendships.
However, through my exploration of different queer spaces, I discovered numerous avenues for human connection and uncovered a new facet of myself.
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