- I’ve had some strange first dates since my divorce.
- I believe the perfect first date is grabbing coffee during the day to avoid getting drunk.
- I make the man choose the coffee shop so I don’t have to plan everything.
For my first date after getting divorced, which happened 10 months after the initial breakup, I actually had two offers.
The first person who asked me out suggested a coffee walk, and I accepted the invitation. The second offer was to pick up trash together. While I think it’s a noble cause and a creative date idea, it may not be suitable for a first date.
I’ve experienced many first dates that I didn’t enjoy
I’ve been asked to ride scooters on a first date. I politely suggested switching to a walk because I’m not known for my balance and didn’t have a helmet. How can you have a conversation when you’re screaming in traffic?
I’ve been taken to a bar for dinner, only to find out they don’t serve dinner. I had to leave after an hour because my low blood sugar made it difficult to follow the conversation.
I’ve been asked to meet up on a summer day and go hiking, which may sound fun to many people, but my profile clearly states that I’m not fond of hikes like many Pacific Northwesterners. I enjoy exercising alone or with my dog, and I love nature, but I’m notoriously clumsy and spend every hike trying to stay on the trail. Excuse me if I don’t want you to see me sweating on our first meeting.
However, I still believe in the possibility of a good first date. I’ve even had a couple of them.
The types of dates I prefer
I enjoy a coffee date or a coffee and neighborhood walk date. It prevents anyone from getting too drunk, unlike at a happy hour. Coffee dates take place during the day and in public. “Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered,” as my friend tells me before I meet someone new, quoting the “My Favorite Murder” podcast.
I anticipate people might say I should be more adventurous and have fun on these dates. However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a casual first date to cost less than $10 per person and not put me in harm’s way.
If I want to splurge on a fancy dinner or embark on a full-day nature adventure, I want it to be with someone I know I enjoy spending more than an hour with. On a first date, neither of us can promise that.
My therapist recommended that I choose the coffee shop
Even during my one-hour coffee dates, I still feel uneasy. What if I’m late or early? What if I have to sit on a stool and I’m wearing shorts, having to constantly adjust my legs and posture for an hour? What if he makes too much eye contact or I can’t stop staring at his teeth? What if the noise from the coffee maker is so loud that it overwhelms our conversation? What if the conversation becomes awkward or he says something that makes me want to leave immediately? What if we go for a walk and I embarrass myself by tripping or running into someone I know and don’t want to see?
Sharing my concerns with my therapist, she suggested that I take charge and plan the dates myself. I can choose a nice, paved walk or a cozy, quiet coffee shop.
Of course, her suggestion makes sense. However, one reason I prefer the man to choose the location is to see if he can. Many women I know carry the full mental load in their households or love lives. They plan the dates, remember invitations, create grocery lists for hosting, book vacations, research local attractions, and more. Not all of my friends live this way, but I did in my previous life, and I want to change that dynamic. I don’t want to take on the responsibility of leading the relationship from the start.
In the best-case scenario, he chooses a cool new coffee place that I haven’t tried yet, and we go on a pleasant walk through an interesting neighborhood or along the water. If it’s not going well, we can end it after an hour or order another cup of coffee or take another stroll. And if it goes poorly, I can call a friend, assure her that I haven’t been murdered, and we can plan a proper outing together.
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