Sign up for Arthur’s writing updates to stay up-to-date with his latest columns. Leo Tolstoy’s masterpiece, “Anna Karenina,” is a captivating tale of love and betrayal that begins with chaos in the Oblonsky family. The discovery of the father’s affair leaves the parents distracted and devastated, and the children run amok in the house. The family members feel the futility of their coexistence, leading to a reign of misery. This sets the stage for the famous opening line of the novel, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
The Oblonsky hypothesis raises troubling questions for those who aspire to happiness and a harmonious family life. It implies that happy individuals belong to an exclusive group with the secret to a fulfilled existence. To be happy, one must tread a narrow path and stay clear of the perilous cliffs around it. Straying from this path, no matter how unconventional, may lead to unhappiness. If you, like me and my family, deviate from traditional norms, you may fear that you have already lost your way and won’t find it again.
However, the truth is more encouraging than this pessimistic view. While there are numerous paths to unhappiness, the narrow path to happiness is straightforward, and anyone can embark on it by embracing one key idea.
In general, positive experiences in life have more similarities than negative ones. Researchers have explored this observation in unique ways, such as noting that attractive faces appear more alike than unattractive ones. Similarly, we perceive pleasant individuals as more similar to one another than unpleasant ones. In a study focusing on happiness, two scholars in 2013 discovered that people consider happy words more interchangeable than unhappy words.
One possible explanation for this pattern is our cognitive bias towards negative information. Social scientists have demonstrated that threats and bad news leave a stronger psychological impact than good news. Evolutionarily, it makes sense that we would develop this bias, as ignoring threats poses risks while embracing positive events often yields little consequence.
However, the phenomenon of greater similarity among happy individuals extends beyond perception. In a study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, psychologists examined the self-evaluated personalities and emotional well-being of participants. They found that happier people indeed share more common personality traits compared to unhappy individuals. This suggests an “asymmetric distribution” of outcomes, where negative outcomes have a wider range and variance than positive outcomes. In other words, Tolstoy was right: there are countless routes to unhappiness, but only a few to happiness.
This doesn’t mean, though, that happy people are scarce. Analyzing data from the General Social Survey, I discovered that in 2018, 30% of Americans claimed to be “very happy,” while only 14% said they were “not too happy.” (By 2021, these numbers shifted to 20% and 23%, likely due to the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown measures.) Plenty of individuals are finding their way through the narrow gate to happiness.
To join these happy individuals on the well-trodden path, even if you’ve veered off it, it’s essential to understand what they have in common and, more importantly, what sets them apart from others.
In a 2008 article titled “What Do Happy People Do?” two psychologists arrived at a clear answer. They found that happy people prioritize social connections. On average, “very happy” individuals engage in 11 more interactions with relatives, seven more interactions with neighbors, and attend religious services seven more times annually than unhappy people. They also rate the quality of their relationships more highly. Another study from 2002 revealed that those who identify as “very happy” rate the quality of their close friendships 54% higher than those who are “very unhappy.” Their family relationships are 73% better, and their romantic relationships are 161% better.
The same pattern emerges when studying well-functioning families: the path may be narrow, but many navigate it successfully. In a three-year study conducted by psychologists from the University of Rochester and the University of Notre Dame, families’ dynamics were observed during interactions, including moments of disagreement. The researchers rated the families based on verbal aggression, negativity, and conflict levels, and identified three distinct models: one happy and two unhappy. The happy model, labeled “cohesive,” was characterized by emotional warmth and harmonious communication and comprised 59% of the families. The “enmeshed” model (22%) exhibited warmth but also had a high level of hostility and destructive interference. The remaining “disengaged” model (almost 19%) displayed cold, controlling, and withdrawn relationships.
From the evidence at hand, we can conclude that while happiness may seem exclusive, it is not. Membership in the happiness club is not contingent on net worth, family structure, or ideological beliefs. The key lies in embracing love and allowing oneself to be loved. Of course, this can be more challenging for some individuals based on circumstances, personality, and other factors. Life offers many distractions and alternatives to love, such as fear, hatred, envy, or becoming consumed by politics or social media. Staying on the narrow path demands a conscious focus on nurturing relationships rather than leaving their quality and intensity to chance. It means treating them with the same dedication people often reserve for their careers or financial endeavors. It also entails eliminating the distractions that crowd love out of our lives. Everyone has the potential to embark on this journey, even the Oblonskys.
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