The Question:
My sister and I have a deep love and care for our elderly aunt, and we are committed to providing her with the same level of care she gave to her own mother. However, we believe it would be better for her, as well as for us, if she spends her final years in a property that meets her needs, without the burden of her parents’ belongings and her own piles of old paperwork.
There was a perfect sheltered accommodation flat available nearby, but my aunt resisted leaving her large, outdated family home. I offered to help her sort things out, but the mere thought agitates and upsets her. She insists that neither she nor I have the time and suggests going out for lunch instead. While we enjoy our lunches together, we need to provide more practical support.
It’s painful to witness. Our grandmother fell down the stairs in that house and passed away. It seems that her last act of obedience to her controlling mother is to follow her down those same steps. I don’t believe it’s a conscious decision.
For the past 20 years, she hasn’t made any changes and spends her days pottering around. She adamantly refuses our help and prefers to be the one treating us. The window of opportunity for her to “sort out her stuff” and move to a more suitable place is closing. We want her to spend her final years in peace, knowing that everything is taken care of.
Philippa’s Answer:
It’s clear that your aunt’s life could be greatly improved and made safer. However, despite knowing that you have her best interests at heart, she remains resistant and struggles to articulate why. She simply claims she “doesn’t have time,” even though she spends her days pottering around.
Manson’s Law of Avoidance: the more a change threatens our identity, the more we avoid it. This law applies even if the change would benefit us, as it would in your aunt’s case. Moving from her impractical house to a flat nearby is too unbearable for her to contemplate. This is deeply rooted in her sense of self and attachment to the house and its contents, which holds her back.
You could appeal to her by saying, “Please, for my sake, let us clear the house and have everyone on one floor for safety.” She is now focused on the present and the past, avoiding thoughts of the future. To her, a delightful lunch seems much more appealing. So, take her out for as many enjoyable lunches as possible. These moments bring her and you joy, and that’s what truly matters to her.
You and your sister understand that independent sheltered accommodation would make everyone happier and be the best option. However, your aunt finds it difficult to make such a significant change. If she continues to delay addressing her circumstances, a crisis may suddenly arise. Ideally, you want to prevent a crisis from happening by implementing measures in advance. Moving may seem overwhelming to her, so consider making minimal adaptations to her current home to make it more suitable. For example, installing a new toilet on the lower floor or providing a commode and daily home help. You could try convincing her that having the right support in place would help maintain her independence at home for longer and prevent the need for a nursing home in the future. However, she may not be open to hearing such suggestions.
It’s possible that she secretly believes that moving or accepting more help would change her identity and who she is. Until she takes that leap of faith, she won’t realize that she will still be herself, perhaps even more so. But she may never come to accept this.
This situation teaches us that when our time comes, we should heed the advice of the younger generation. Accepting change is incredibly challenging, and your aunt may not be capable of it. Accepting that others cannot accept change may be even harder.
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