Sign up to receive a notification every time Arthur publishes a new column if you want to stay up-to-date with his writing. After all these years, I have finally come into my own name. I was given the name Arthur after my maternal grandfather, Arthur Hansen, or as I fondly called him, “Bedstefar,” the Danish word for grandfather, which reflected his heritage and first language. In 1903, the year he was born, Arthur was a popular name, but by the time I grew up in the 1970s, it sounded old-fashioned, like the name of a grandfather. However, a few months ago, I became a grandfather myself, and now the name fits perfectly.
The birth of my grandson is a cause for celebration. Raising your own children requires significant change and sacrifice, making it a daunting and complex process. On the other hand, being a grandparent feels effortless. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I had grand aspirations for the future, but my grandchildren ruined everything.”
Nevertheless, there are ways to be a better grandparent for the well-being of everyone involved. Numerous studies have been conducted on this topic, revealing that being a grandparent brings happiness for various reasons. One study in 2016 found that for almost 36% of men and 42% of women, the best part of being a grandparent was the “mutual affection” experienced, followed by “shared activities” for approximately 28% and nearly 24% respectively. It would be intriguing to compare these findings to similar measures of the most rewarding moments of fatherhood, which I recall were focused mainly on desperately seeking a few moments of peace and quiet, followed closely by a desire to avoid any trips to the emergency room.
Parenthood and grandparenthood differ in terms of happiness, primarily because grandparents have the luxury of cherishing only the good moments, unlike parents. As a grandparent, I can spoil my grandchildren with candy and then send them home, allowing them to experience the inevitable sugar-induced meltdown elsewhere. Furthermore, age plays a significant role in this disparity. Now in my 50s, I am much calmer than I was in my 30s, making everything easier to handle. I am the one less likely to have a meltdown.
The influence of aging is often discussed in grandparenting research. In a 2003 study on “age identity,” which examines how old one believes themselves to be, researchers surveyed hundreds of Midwest-based grandparents. The results showed that younger grandparents felt older compared to people their age, while those who became grandparents at an older age felt younger, even as they acquired more experience in their role. This finding does not resonate with me because, given that my name is Arthur, I have felt like a 75-year-old since childhood. I would sit with Bedstefar and watch Meet the Press, learning the proper techniques for complaining about the government.
The literature on grandparenting has identified five primary types: formal, fun-seeker, reserved, surrogate parent, and wise. Personally, I strive to fall into the fun-seeker category, which closely aligns with how I would describe Bedstefar. He had a custom-made bumper sticker on his Buick that boldly claimed, “Be Alert! The World Needs More Lerts!” He may not have coined the phrase, but he was likely the only person with it on his car. He always insisted on playing croquet with me in the backyard and would laugh uproariously as he won with ruthless efficiency. Occasionally, Bedstefar would also impart words of wisdom. When I once asked him why he never let me win, he responded seriously, “A man never shows weakness in croquet.” Those words have stuck with me throughout my life.
Like Bedstefar, many grandparents believe it is their duty to impart life lessons to their grandchildren. According to a 2018 AARP survey of 2,654 grandparents, over half (53%) engage in discussions about morals and values with their grandchildren. However, some topics are less frequently addressed, with only 23% feeling comfortable giving advice about sex to their grandchildren. I would estimate that no grandchild feels at ease receiving sex advice from their grandfather.
The majority of grandparents feel they have a high-quality bond with their grandchildren. A 2002 study found that 57% of grandparents rated their relationship with their grandchildren as excellent, and 45% described themselves as “very close” to their grandchildren. The level of involvement also plays a role, with highly involved grandparents being about two and a half times more likely to rate their relationship as excellent compared to less involved grandparents. Another study identified three factors that predict relationship quality and satisfaction: contact frequency, participation in activities, and commitment.
In short, I should make an effort to spend a lot of time with my grandson. Luckily, that is something I can easily do. However, what should I do during that time? In 2007, scholars sought to identify the typical behaviors of grandparents, and two characteristics emerged: “being there” and “not interfering.” This suggests that I should allow my grandson to have a sense of freedom and avoid imposing too many rules and discipline. As a responsible grandparent, I must resist the temptation to meddle in my grandson’s parents’ parenting styles. This may prove to be challenging since grandparents often question whether their own children are competent parents. The AARP survey indicated that only a quarter of grandparents believe that parenting today is superior to their own generation’s style. We grandparents tend to think we did a much better job.
There is a prevalent sentiment among grandparents that parents today are too lenient with their children, with 77% strongly agreeing or agreeing with this statement. Undeniably, it is not my son or daughter-in-law’s role to be lenient; rather, it is mine, and I take that responsibility seriously.
One important decision I need to make is what my grandson will call me. This is a weighty matter because once I establish a name with my first grandchild, that will be my identity for all future grandchildren. Considering that my children are getting married at a young age, it seems I will have quite a few grandchildren. Therefore, I would prefer not to be referred to as “Pops” or “Gampy” or anything that lacks dignity. “Bedstefar” doesn’t make much sense, especially to my wife from Barcelona, who prefers the traditional Catalan term “Iaio.” Alternatively, I could choose something that harkens back to my West Coast roots like “Grand-dude.” On the other hand, it might be wise to opt for a more distinguished name that represents the image of a proper grandfather, such as “Arthur.”
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