- I used to get stressed about packing for my frequent travels because my clothes didn’t feel like a reflection of myself.
- Initially, I couldn’t pinpoint why such a trivial thing bothered me so much.
- Over time, I came to realize that I was experiencing gender dysphoria and embraced my nonbinary identity.
Packing for trips has always been stressful for me.
It requires making numerous choices in advance. To simplify things, I became a carry-on-only advocate and started packing last-minute to avoid overthinking. However, what bothered me even more was arriving at my destination with a wardrobe that didn’t align with my true self.
While the clothes were technically mine, the choices I made were influenced by societal expectations. I thought I should pack solid colors that matched everything, avoid graphics, and include more skirts and dresses than I would typically wear. I was packing for the person I thought I should be, not embracing my authentic self.
Ultimately, I discovered I was experiencing gender dysphoria and bravely came out as nonbinary.
Unveiling My Authentic Self During a Trip to Cuba
Packing became an even bigger issue for me when traveling abroad for longer periods like a month or more. Every time I opened my suitcases and dressed myself, I felt uncomfortable, disconnected, and depressed.
During a trip to Cuba in 2010, I packed sandals, bright florals, skirts, and stripes. However, Havana’s weather was unexpectedly cold and stormy. Even when the rain ceased and temperatures improved, I realized I had packed the wrong clothing for my three-month stay.
Eventually, I decided to visit a local skate shop and purchased knock-off Converse Chuck Taylor sneakers with embroidered dragons. That night, I went out wearing my new low tops, a graphic T-shirt, jeans, and a flannel I had managed to sneak into my bag. Finally, I felt at ease and in sync with my true self.
Understanding Gender Dysphoria and Its Impact
Packing became increasingly challenging on every trip, and I couldn’t understand why such a trivial matter affected me so deeply.
It wasn’t until I started feeling the same emptiness in my daily life that I realized it wasn’t solely about travel or clothing. There was something more profound at play. Although I hadn’t yet discovered the term, I now recognize that it was gender dysphoria causing my discomfort and preventing me from fully enjoying each day.
As a fat, disabled, and nonbinary individual on a limited budget, I never felt like my clothes truly represented me. I envied those who had closets filled with clothes they genuinely liked and those who perceived dressing and packing as low-stakes activities.
Discovering Gender Euphoria at Home and on the Road
A few years later, I stumbled upon a sleeveless dress shirt that resonated with me. It was a light gray, boxy shirt with a white collar and a high, notched neckline. Instantly, I noticed the difference, and so did others; people couldn’t help but compliment me on it. That’s the remarkable power of gender euphoria—it’s undeniable. Whether it’s the internal glow it ignites within me or the fact that I genuinely look great, I often receive compliments when I’m experiencing true gender euphoria.
From that moment on, I consciously sought out moments of gender euphoria and gradually embraced my nonbinary identity. Now, my suitcase is filled with jumpsuits in various colors, patterned matching sets, vibrant suits, and even a disco-ball blazer. I’ve also come to appreciate the value of my overalls, even if they require unzipping the expandable compartment of my carry-on or daring to check a bag.
As I prepared for my first trips since the pandemic began, including a more extended journey that I hadn’t taken in years, I made a conscious effort not to repeat my past mistakes. I created lists and decluttered my closet. While I still tend to overpack and agonize over outfit choices, I’m getting better at trusting my instincts and prioritizing what feels truest to myself.
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