Desperate for Holiday Support: My Spouse and I Left Alone – Urgently Seeking Assistance!

My mother-in-law has been increasingly stressed during our Christmas visits for the past few years. It’s unclear why, as she refuses to discuss it. So, in late December last year, we decided to spend this Christmas with my parents instead. They were thrilled with the idea. However, in June, my mom informed us that she wanted to celebrate early, on December 22, so she could fly to California to be with my sister and her kids during the actual holiday. This wasn’t what we had in mind, and although my dad agreed with us, my mom remained firm. Despite the change of plans, we still intend to fly to California and spend the holiday with my brother’s family and my grandfather. But we can’t help but feel hurt. We reached out when we were feeling down, and then my mother changed everything at the last minute. What are your thoughts on this situation?

SON

Let’s acknowledge your hurt feelings first: your parents and mother-in-law have left you hanging during Christmas. However, it’s important to empathize with them as well. Your mother-in-law may be tired of organizing big holidays at this stage of her life, and your mother might have felt trapped by your request, which was made two days after Christmas, to solidify plans for the next one. (I wish she had suggested a conversation, but considering your emotional state and her position as your mother, can you see why she didn’t?)

Furthermore, your mom provided you with advanced notice of the change of plans, so it wasn’t a last-minute decision. (Also, we don’t have any information about your sister’s circumstances.) With that said, let’s explore some adult options here. You and your wife can start your own holiday traditions at home or choose to travel. You could also invite your mother-in-law to relax and visit with you, join your parents in California, or simply stick to your original plans.

Major holidays often come with major expectations (and triggers). It’s natural to feel upset about the sudden change. However, holidays are challenging for everyone, including mothers. While we may be the main characters in our own lives, we are not the only players involved.

Charitable Donations Should Be Made Voluntarily

I recently participated in a charity auction and won a weekend stay at a large house upstate for $4,500. I intended to use it for a ladies’ golf weekend. The house was supposed to be available until October 2023. However, when I finalized our plans, I was informed that the house had been sold and was no longer available. I tried contacting the charity, but received no response. Should I inform the former owners of the house (via a mutual friend) about their breach of agreement, reach out to the charity again, or consider it a donation with no return?

WINNING BIDDER

I recommend reaching out to the charity once more, this time directly contacting the development officer or executive director. Just like for-profit businesses, charities should not engage in fraudulent behavior. It’s possible that the people managing the charity are unaware that the house was sold without honoring your winning bid. However, it’s their responsibility to resolve this issue, not yours.

There’s no need to involve mutual friends of the former owners in this matter. I also advise against considering it a donation. That was not the original agreement, and you are entitled to a refund.

Treading Carefully in a Basement Apartment

I recently moved into a basement apartment in a house owned by six siblings on a charming island. Originally, the upstairs area was designated for family use only, but it has become a part-time Airbnb. When I voiced concerns about the noise from the guests above, I was informed that the rental income is necessary to maintain the house. Although I understand the financial aspect, I now feel obligated to be overly considerate to vacation renters who don’t show the same consideration in return. I’m hesitant to address these issues out of fear of eviction. I’m actively seeking alternative housing options, but options are limited on the island. (As I write this, renters are operating a vacuum at 7:20 a.m.) Please help!

RENTER

Let’s assume that Airbnb rentals are allowed on the island. (If not, it seems the sale of the house and your eviction may be imminent.) Make a list of the issues caused by the renters and propose reasonable solutions. For example, suggest using rugs or rug pads on the floors above you and ask for no loud appliance use before 9 a.m. What sibling-landlord would object to such suggestions? It may be helpful to familiarize yourself with your tenant rights, but standing up for yourself politely does not violate any lease agreement.

Stop and Smell the Roses, but Put Away the Shears

I am an enthusiastic rose gardener. I’ve invested a significant amount of money collecting rare varieties, including some from overseas. I enjoy inviting people over to admire my beautiful blooms, but I get annoyed when they request cuttings right then and there to propagate my roses in their own gardens. While I’m generous with cuttings from other plants, I hesitate to share my roses. How can I politely refuse without causing offense?

GARDENER

I understand your perspective. You’ve put in the hard work and want to keep the rewarding beauty of your roses to yourself. Consider saying something like this: “I’m more than happy to share cuttings from other plants in my garden, but I prefer to keep my roses to myself. They hold a special significance to me. I hope you understand.” I certainly do.

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