Dear Therapist,
I’ve been married to my husband for a year now, but before that, we dated for three years. He was previously married for over 20 years to his ex-wife, with whom he shares a child. I knew about his past girlfriends and one girlfriend he had after his divorce, but recently I stumbled upon something that has been haunting me.
A few weeks after our wedding, I was going through some papers in our filing cabinet and came across a note. It said, “[name of his best friend] loves [my husband’s name].” Confused and wanting answers, I invaded my husband’s privacy and discovered a collection of cards and love notes from this friend, dating back 12 years before our wedding. It was devastating. The realization that they had a romantic relationship and had sex together is hard for me to get past.
When I confronted my husband, he explained that after his divorce, he was hurt and didn’t want a woman, but rather a companion. He sought solace in his best friend and other men for about four years until he worked through his emotions. Although he made his best friend move out of his house, he still lives next door on my husband’s family’s property, serving as an everyday reminder of their past.
My husband assures me that he no longer has any romantic feelings for his friend and that their relationship is purely platonic. He sees him as a brother since he is an only child. However, I’m still struggling to accept this reality, even though it happened many years before I entered the picture. I can’t help but be bitter about it.
My husband is a loving and kind person who values family, both his and mine, and he treats me and my daughter well. But I can’t seem to let go of his past mistake. How can I move on from this? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Discovering a secret in a relationship can be a jarring experience that shakes the foundation of trust and challenges your perception of your partner. In your case, you uncovered not just one, but two secrets simultaneously. First, your husband’s best friend is actually his ex, and second, your husband has had relationships with men. Processing these revelations separately can help you navigate the healing process and figure out how to move forward.
Let’s start with the fact that your husband had a romantic relationship with someone you considered his best friend, and he deliberately hid this from you. Regardless of gender, it’s understandable that you feel betrayed by such a significant omission. This goes beyond a mere oversight and raises questions about transparency and honesty in your relationship. Have you discussed with your husband why he kept this information from you? It’s crucial for him to fully take responsibility for his deception and assure you of his commitment to honesty moving forward. Expressing how this secrecy makes you question trust and emotional safety within your marriage is important. Opening up this conversation while approaching it with curiosity and compassion will facilitate trust-building between you both.
Your husband may explain that he was afraid of your reaction, particularly concerning the daily presence of an ex in his life. Perhaps he was torn between sharing the truth and potentially losing his best friend, or he worried that revealing his attraction to men would lead to rejection. On your end, communicate the ways in which his secrecy has left you feeling unanchored and uncertain about what else he might be hiding. Understanding each other’s perspectives will help forge a path towards rebuilding trust.
It’s also crucial to explore your feelings about the current living arrangement. Had there been no secret, perhaps the proximity of his ex would not have been an issue. However, given the breach of trust, it’s worth reflecting on whether having his ex living next door is still comfortable for you. Consider what exactly is difficult for you – is it the fact that they had a romantic past, the deception, or the fact that his ex is a man? Having a clear understanding of your boundaries will be vital in future discussions.
Now, let’s address the second secret – your husband’s attraction to men. This seems to be a complex issue for both of you, marked by shame, denial, and judgment. It’s essential to recognize and acknowledge your husband’s bisexuality, showing empathy and acceptance. Take the time to examine your own feelings towards his sexuality and explore any biases or discomfort you may have. Open and honest conversations about this topic will be crucial in creating a safe and understanding space for both of you.
In conclusion, rebuilding trust and healing from the impact of these secrets will require ongoing communication, honesty, and vulnerability. You may consider seeking couples therapy to navigate these discussions and address any unresolved emotions. Together, you can work towards a future free from the constant reminders of the past as you build a stronger foundation for your relationship.
Best of luck,
Therapist
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