Breakups are incredibly difficult experiences. Even if you’re the one initiating the breakup, it can still feel overwhelming. And when a relationship is filled with love, special moments, and shared jokes, what fills the void after a breakup? For many people, alcohol becomes a crutch. However, taking the time to process a breakup without alcohol can actually be more beneficial.
I had the opportunity to speak with Holly Whitaker, an influential figure in quit-lit and author of “Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed With Alcohol.” She shared with me the advantages of navigating a breakup without relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism.
“For me, there’s nothing more destructive or harder to handle than a breakup,” she explained. “If I were to drink my way through it, I’d only make a bigger mess. But then there’s also this other part of it, which is that being alive means we can feel so much. Even though I don’t want to experience the pain, I recognize that it’s precious ground and I’m capable of facing it. I choose to be there for myself when I need it the most, to fully embrace the human experience. It’s a fortunate position to be in.” Just like alcohol provides temporary courage, using it as a crutch to cope with the pain of a breakup is only temporary. In fact, it often leads to a hangover that accompanies a broken heart.
Resisting the pressure to seek temporary fixes requires significant internal strength in the same way dating without alcohol does. Society encourages meeting potential partners and going on dates in bars, which makes grieving these relationships in the same environment seem natural. We’ve all seen movies where the main character goes through a breakup, and their friend drags them to a bar to get drunk and flirt with someone new — maybe even hook up with a stranger. This is the cliché moment where the friend says, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” while handing the protagonist a shot and pointing out an attractive person.
Why Hollywood breakup scenes lack complexity
In the 2019 Netflix film “Someone Great,” we follow music journalist Jenny (played by Gina Rodriguez) as she navigates a breakup through a day in New York City. We see Jenny and her friends drinking throughout the day while exploring the city. Jenny even drinks whiskey straight from the bottle with two straws, dancing to Lizzo one moment and crying the next. Later on, we see her mixing champagne with green juice, creating a breakup-themed mimosa.
In the 2008 movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” Jason Segal’s character, Peter, copes with his breakup by humorously indulging in “girly drinks” like cosmopolitans and piña coladas. He then cries himself to sleep, only to wake up and order rum with his breakfast.
I wondered if alcohol was necessary to make these scenes relatable or funny, so I spoke with documentary filmmaker and Notre Dame Professor Ted Mandell. He co-developed a course called “Drunk on Film,” in which he and social psychologist Anré Venter analyze the psychology and allure of alcohol on screen.
“Drunkenness as a comedic device is a common narrative tool,” Mandell shared. “Certainly, these film scenes could be alcohol-free… but the physical comedy would be lost. And the comedy is what helps numb the pain in these two films. If you want your audience to laugh, just create a scene where the protagonist gets drunk. So it really depends on how the director wants the audience to feel.” However, Mandell suggested that directors could approach breakup scenes differently and create nuanced moments where the protagonist rejects alcohol when faced with it, making for a more interesting scene. That’s a nuanced scene that I would love to see on screen! I too used alcohol as a narrative device to cope with difficult times before learning how to take life one day at a time.
Replace drinking with healthier alternatives
When experiencing the pain and discomfort of heartbreak, it’s natural to seek relief. You might take ibuprofen for a headache or antacids for heartburn, but what do you take for a broken heart? Instead of turning to alcohol, which only offers temporary solace, try to engage in healthier habits and distractions.
Instead of: Mindlessly scrolling through negative content for hours.
Try: Reading a funny or lighthearted book.
Instead of: Consuming alcohol without thought.
Try: Learning a new dessert recipe.
Instead of: Isolating yourself in bed.
Try: Preparing a relaxing bath with music, candles, and more.
Instead of: Binge-watching mindless TV.
Try: Binge-watching TV with a friend.
Excerpted from “Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze” (Quirk Books, September 19, 2023). Reprinted with permission from Quirk Books.
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