- When I relocated to Spain in 2020, I embarked on dating experiences with both men and women.
- To my surprise, I discovered that sex is typically expected on first dates in Spain, and the bill is always divided equally.
- Moreover, I was amazed by the level of acceptance and ease experienced by the queer community in Spain.
As a 31-year-old woman, I’ve immersed myself in various dating apps and experienced numerous dates. Amidst the pandemic, I even participated in a “first date” where we selected each other’s meals and connected through FaceTime. The person I went out with had crafted paper hearts, which were displayed on the wall behind him.
In addition to this adventurous dating experience, I made another bold decision in 2020: moving to Spain to teach English. While relocating to a different continent during the peak of the pandemic may seem audacious or brilliant, it undeniably provided me with unique insights, particularly in the realm of dating.
Upon my arrival in Spain, I delved into the dating scene to compare it with my prior experiences in the United States. Over the course of three years, I went on dates with both men and women and encountered significant cultural disparities.
Unexpectedly, in most of my dates in Spain, the bill was evenly split
When it came to dating men in Europe, I was taken aback by the expectation for each individual to pay their own share. While I don’t adhere to the belief that men should cover the expenses, it was a notable shift from the American culture where it is sometimes anticipated for men to foot the bill.
Interestingly, one of the few occasions where someone offered to pay the entire bill was a woman. On the rare occasion that a Spanish man did pay, it often seemed like a way for him to showcase his wealth, engaging in a form of “peacocking”.
Based on my experiences, sex is commonly expected on first or second dates in Spain
Through my interactions with people I dated, it became evident that Spaniards view sex similarly to how they perceive wine – as a commonplace and easily accessible aspect of life. Just as the Spanish norm of enjoying a few glasses of wine during lunch might raise eyebrows in the United States, their casual approach to sex is also more liberal.
While it wasn’t unheard of to encounter individuals who preferred to wait a few dates before becoming intimate, they were relatively rare.
In Spain, I discovered that many couples date for extended periods without entering into a formal commitment
In the United States, it is customary to go on a certain number of dates before having the “define the relationship” conversation or trying to establish a level of commitment. Although this may also apply to Spain, I came across numerous couples who had been together for years without getting married. I met one couple who had dated for seven years and subsequently broke up, yet it didn’t devastate them – it was simply a casual end to their relationship.
I observed that for Spaniards, commitment is present, but it may be time-based rather than symbolized by a wedding ring.
I also learned that getting married in one’s twenties is not as common in Spain
In my home country of the United States, it is relatively common for individuals to date with the objective of finding their ideal partner and eventually getting married. Consequently, I know many Americans who not only married in their twenties but also divorced before turning thirty.
When I discuss my American friends in their twenties going through divorces, my Spanish friends express shock that I even know people who married in their twenties. They find it astonishing how quickly we enter into committed relationships.
I was pleasantly surprised to discover that queer couples in certain regions of Spain enjoy widespread acceptance and celebration, similar to heterosexual couples
I frequently witnessed same-sex couples strolling down the streets of Spain, which is not as common throughout the entire United States. The Pride festival in Spain even brings the entire capital city to a standstill, with everyone coming together for the festivities. There is no fear or presence of church groups brandishing “Burn in hell” signs.
This inclusive environment allowed me to let down my guard and be more receptive to meeting new people. It was truly refreshing to go on a date with a woman and know that we wouldn’t receive judgmental glances or be treated differently from the heterosexual couple at the neighboring table.
Another significant difference I noticed in Spain is the reduced pressure for queer individuals to adopt specific labels or identities
In the United States, many individuals choose a letter from the LGBTQ+ acronym to define their sexuality. Even when I was coming out, people would often ask, “So, are you a lesbian or bisexual…?”
In Spain, most people identify as queer without primarily labeling themselves as gay, bisexual, or lesbian. In fact, there were times when I wouldn’t even realize someone was queer until they explicitly mentioned it – not because they were hiding their sexuality, but because they don’t primarily express their identity through the lens of queerness.
In many ways, I appreciate the ease of identifying queer individuals in the United States as it facilitates flirting on the streets and making queer friends. However, as someone who is relatively new to exploring my own queerness, it has been incredibly liberating in Spain to feel relieved of the societal pressure to constantly “prove” my queerness. Self-acceptance became much simpler when everyone accepted me as I am.
Almost three years of living in Spain have exposed me to an entirely new world of dating, love, and queerness. While homophobia remains present in society regardless of location, my time in Europe has given me glimpses of a world where true equality thrives – whether it’s about splitting the bill on a first date or being a divorced lesbian in your twenties.
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