Carolyn Hax: Children Uncover Years of Sibling Rivalry Orchestrated by Their Mother

She tells each child that they are her favorite, and reinforces this by speaking negatively about the others. Another tactic she employs is telling us that we are right about a situation, only to say the exact same thing to another sibling. We now question who our mother truly is. While this behavior has been going on for many years, we have recently discovered the extent of its effects.

Our mother avoids addressing problems and becomes defensive when confronted. Her actions have caused strained relationships among the siblings on multiple occasions. She has deeply hurt us and our families. Why is she behaving this way? How can we confront her and encourage her to change?

Frustrated Sisters: The reason behind her behavior is simple yet unfortunate. By favoring each child individually while speaking negatively about the others, she seeks to secure loyalty from each child and weaken their bonds with one another, thereby maintaining control over all of you.

This is something that extremely insecure individuals tend to do. Gossiping serves as reassurance for those who fear being excluded. It may be effective, but it is also underhanded. Moreover, its effects are often temporary. As the victims of emotional manipulation, it is possible for you and your siblings to resist and rebel against her tactics.

Now, what can you do in this situation? While it is natural to want to change her behavior, there are several reasons why this may be challenging or even futile: Firstly, it is not your responsibility to change others. Secondly, people are generally resistant to change unless they desire it themselves. Lastly, given her defensiveness, she is unlikely to be open to confrontation and may perceive it as a threat, leading to further negative behavior.

However, because she is your mother and you want to salvage your relationships, I suggest that those among you who are aware of her manipulative tactics try these three practical strategies, seeking counseling if necessary:

1. When interacting with your mother, kindly but firmly refuse to engage in the toxic dynamic. Redirect the conversation to safer topics and inquire about other aspects of her life.

2. Within your sibling relationships, be the one to question the accuracy of the gossip instead of attacking the sibling involved. Avoid speaking poorly of your mother, but also don’t hesitate to express skepticism about the information being shared. Eventually, if possible given your history of conflict, involve the other siblings in your realization.

3. Stay mindful of the seeds of discord your mother plants. Prevent them from taking root in your own families and use this awareness to better understand your mother’s upbringing and the factors that contributed to her current behavior.