Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with a group of adult children of immigrants from the former Soviet Union, of which I am also a member. We discussed their experiences in trying to establish boundaries with their parents, and I was amazed by the quick and numerous responses I received.
One anecdote shared was from Olga B., whose mother replaced her silverware with what she deemed to be an upgrade. Another member, Anna Z., gave her parents a key to her house for emergencies only, but was startled to find her mother waving at her from her own bedroom window one day. For privacy reasons, the participants chose to go by their first names and initials to freely discuss sensitive family matters that their parents would rather keep hidden from strangers.
Veronica M. shared her father’s belief that boundaries are akin to Stalinism, but she compared setting boundaries to the story of the Dutch boy who stuck his finger in a dam to prevent a flood. She believed that protecting her boundaries was crucial to avoiding even worse situations.
It’s not just immigrants from the former Soviet Union who struggle with the concept of boundaries. However, the unique cultural aspects of collectivism and directness found in the former U.S.S.R. make it particularly challenging. The Russian language even lacks a specific word for “privacy,” which is at the core of boundary-setting. The children of Soviet immigrants offered insightful explanations for their parents’ disregard for boundaries: having arrived in a new country with nothing, they raised their children amidst the wild capitalism of suburban America. To them, personal space and autonomy were foreign concepts, and they often expected their children to behave as if they still lived in communal housing. They wanted their children to be better than them, but also wanted them to be exactly like them, a sentiment summarized by Veronica as, “If you loved me, you would do what I say so that I don’t worry.”
Setting boundaries is difficult for former-Soviet parents due to a combination of unfamiliarity and a belief that there are better ways to handle conflicts. They may question the need for boundaries, preferring the traditional approach of shouting. However, boundaries are becoming more prevalent in society. While definitions may vary, boundaries are essentially internal rules that determine what we are willing to tolerate from others. The concept of setting boundaries is now widely discussed on therapy accounts, websites, and social media platforms. Books on boundaries have become best-sellers, promising freedom and drama-free relationships. The increasing popularity of therapy may also contribute to the growing conversation around boundaries, as people seek healthier ways to navigate polarized and sensitive topics, like politics.
However, the term “boundaries” has also become misunderstood and misused, joining the ranks of gaslighting and narcissism in the realm of misappropriated psychology jargon. Adding the word “boundary” to a request can make it appear more legitimate from a therapeutic standpoint. Karen Osterle, a therapist, observes that people often use therapeutic concepts without fully understanding them, leading to misinterpretation and misuse.
Being on the receiving end of boundaries can be unsettling, as it may feel like rejection within a relationship. Some individuals, due to past traumas or unresolved issues, interpret a “no” as the end of a relationship. However, boundaries are not meant to destroy relationships but rather preserve them. Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author of Drama Free, explains that boundaries are safeguards for ourselves and contribute to the peace and comfort within our relationships.
Interestingly, many former-Soviet interviewees found that their relationships with their parents actually improved after enforcing boundaries, despite their parents’ initial resistance. Anna Z., for example, confronted her mother after she invaded her privacy and received a surprising apology. Therapist Alex Ly suggests that setting boundaries and having them respected can reveal who the good people are to keep around.
It is important to note that boundaries are rules we set for ourselves, not for others. They define what we are comfortable with and guide our actions in response to others’ behavior. Dana Skaggs, a therapist, explains that boundaries mean taking responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, opinions, and actions, while respecting that others have their own thoughts and boundaries. We cannot control what others do, but we can choose how we respond when our boundaries are crossed.
This distinction is crucial because true boundaries come with consequences. If someone ignores our boundaries, we must decide how we will respond. Laura Vladimirova, a therapist from Ukraine, illustrates this by explaining that setting a boundary with her sister does not guarantee her sister’s compliance. Therefore, she has to determine her own course of action when her boundary is disregarded.
The same principle applies to setting boundaries with children. Rather than viewing boundaries as rules for children to follow, parents should see them as guidelines for their own behavior and responses. Boundaries in relationships, whether with parents or children, can signify a healthy dynamic. By establishing and maintaining boundaries, individuals can protect their own well-being and contribute to the overall health of the relationship.
In conclusion, setting boundaries can be challenging, especially in cultural contexts where collectivism and directness prevail. However, boundaries are essential for personal growth, healthy relationships, and emotional well-being. Building awareness and understanding around boundaries can lead to improved communication, respect for personal space, and greater harmony in relationships.
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