During my childhood, I was captivated by Barbie’s beauty. Her stylish outfits, shiny blond hair, and carefree attitude were so appealing. Years later, when I watched the Barbie movie as an adult, I expected it to address the obvious issues surrounding Barbie’s sexualized image and its impact on young girls like myself. However, I was pleasantly surprised when the movie explored a different theme: the complex relationship between mothers and daughters.
As a child psychiatrist in New York City, I frequently encounter mother-daughter dynamics in my work. I saw many parallels between my patients and Sasha, the tween-girl character in the movie who boldly criticized Barbie. In one poignant moment, Sasha proclaims, “You set the feminist movement back 50 years. You destroyed girls’ innate sense of self-worth.” This outburst, fueled by genuine anger, goes beyond just rejecting childhood toys and represents Sasha’s frustration with her own mother.
Sasha’s mother, Gloria, later conveys her belief that being a woman is an impossible task. Yet, like many modern mothers, Gloria manages to navigate this paradox with grace. She is both kind and beautiful, while also asserting her role in the “sisterhood.” She works hard while her husband takes on domestic duties, yet she bears the brunt of her daughter’s frustrations. This pursuit of being the “perfect mom,” a mom who once aspired to be like Barbie herself, fuels Sasha’s resentment towards Barbie.
For girls, developing self-esteem often involves idolizing and relating to the grown-ups in their lives, particularly their mothers. However, when a mother appears too perfect, a daughter can feel isolated or defective. It is not uncommon for girls with these feelings to adopt alternative identities like “weird and dark and crazy,” which are common reasons why my patients seek my help.
In my practice, I often encounter situations where a beautiful and successful mother is perplexed by her daughter’s struggles and anger towards her. These mothers also express concerns about their daughters’ appearance, whether it’s revealing clothing or a lack of interest in looking pretty. Conversely, I’ve met daughters who hide snacks in their rooms to avoid judgment from their skinny mothers. They are grateful for TikTok for exposing the harmful influence of so-called “Almond Moms,” who advocate for restrictive eating. Some daughters even sense judgment from their mothers without any explicit criticism. Whether it stems from projection or genuine observation, daughters often grow up feeling judged by their mothers due to societal pressures.
My own mother shares an anecdote about her own mother, who valued beauty in all forms, from furniture to vegetables. Her constant demands to “take off your glasses! Put on your lipstick!” frustrated my mother. In rebellion, she “forgot” to wear makeup, but her effortless beauty still conveyed the message. Similarly, while my mother never told me to wear mascara, she frequently reminded me not to eat bread. Despite my own rebellions, be it ordering pizza or making a simple dinner, the underlying message remained. This experience resonates with many of us who carry the insecurities of our teenage selves. A simple compliment like “You look great” from our mothers can inadvertently imply that there was a time when we didn’t.
One of my patients recently expressed how her mother’s support has waned as she succeeds in her own life. It has become difficult for her to find joy in her accomplishments when her mother’s encouragement has diminished. Envy can exist between mothers and daughters even in the most loving relationships, cutting both ways. Some psychoanalysts argue that daughters’ envy towards their “perfect” moms begins in infancy when babies perceive their mothers as having everything they need and all the answers, while they struggle to solve their problems. On the other hand, mothers often feel compelled to sacrifice their identity and desires for their daughters, leading them to perceive their own deterioration as their daughters flourish. As Barbie’s Gloria, a loving mother, laments, “I never have any fun!” Maternal envy is a common phenomenon, but when left unaddressed, a mother’s attention can feel more like a harsh spotlight than a warm embrace.
The tragic reality I witness in my practice is that mothers and daughters long to love and understand each other without judgment. Mothers often believe their critiques come from a place of care, while daughters yearn for love that doesn’t hurt. Their intentions are genuine, but finding common ground seems perpetually out of reach.
The girls in my office long for the kind of relationship Barbie shares with her mother figure in the movie. We are introduced to Barbie’s creator, Ruth Handler, sitting in a cozy kitchen, radiating domestic comfort. When Ruth gazes at Barbie, we witness the healing, transformative power of her approval. Barbie, sharing her vulnerability, comments, “I don’t usually look like this. I normally look perfect.” In response, Ruth lovingly reassures her, “I think you’re just right.” Barbie’s self-acceptance is nurtured by Ruth’s affectionate gaze, allowing her to break free from her past and embrace her own identity rather than remaining an object.
However, it’s important to note that Barbie is not an actual daughter, and Ruth is not her biological mother. Ruth represents a fantasy mother figure, frozen in time in her kitchen, with no needs of her own. She never had to nag Barbie to shower or eat healthily, and she doesn’t have to juggle work emails and cooking dinner. In this movie, Ruth conveys a troubling notion: “Mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they have come.” This message leaves much to be desired. Similarly, Barbie did not grow up with Ruth as her mother, nor did she experience the care and scrutiny that comes with that bond. The Ruth depicted in the movie solely exists to adore and accept Barbie, more akin to a fairy godmother than a real mother. Ruth, in a sense, is the embodiment of the perfect mother, an equally unreal figure.
Thankfully, the movie provides an alternative lens through which mothers and daughters can perceive each other. When they are not caught up in striving for perfection, they can see each other with clarity and understanding. In my practice, the goal is to help mothers and daughters foster a relationship built on genuine concern and empathy, free from judgment. Every mother insists that she is simply trying to be helpful, offering critiques out of love. In response, daughters express their desire for love that doesn’t inflict pain. Both parties genuinely care, but identifying the right approach remains a challenge.
What these girls yearn for is the authentic connection Barbie finds with her creator in the movie. We witness Ruth Handler, surrounded by a warm glow, sitting in her quaint kitchen. She represents a version of motherhood that is both nurturing and validating. In Ruth’s loving gaze, Barbie discovers the strength to forge her own path, no longer tethered to societal expectations. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that Barbie’s relationship with Ruth is an idealized version of motherhood, divorced from the complexities and realities of everyday life.
Overall, the Barbie movie sheds light on the intricate dynamics between mothers and daughters. It highlights the yearning for acceptance and understanding, devoid of judgment. While Ruth’s character may be an unattainable ideal, the movie reminds mothers and daughters that genuine connection is attainable. By striving for empathy, mothers and daughters can navigate the complexities of their relationship with greater compassion and love.
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