Supporting My Teenage Daughters in a Difficult Family Dynamic
As a parent, it’s always a challenging task to navigate complex relationships within the family, especially when it involves your teenagers and their difficult relationship with their dad, stepmom, and stepbrother. Amidst this dilemma, the question arises: should I validate and empathize with my teens or support their dad as a co-parent, even knowing the damage it may be causing?
I have two wonderful teenage daughters, aged 14 and 16, who find it hard to connect with their dad and his family. His authoritarian parenting style takes a toll on their self-esteem and self-worth. Fortunately, I am proud to say that my daughters are thoughtful, intelligent, and unique individuals. I have built a healthy and respectful relationship with them, which allows them to confide in me about their struggles with their dad, stepmom, and stepbrother.
In essence, the problems they face stem from their dad and stepmom’s disregulated, confrontational, and reactive behavior. I believe that creating a safe space for them to communicate their issues is the right thing to do. However, I am aware that it may mean I am not presenting a united front with their dad, which research suggests can be detrimental to children. Am I making the best decision for their well-being?
A Different Perspective
Eleanor shares her thoughts on this common parenting dilemma:
Parenting often presents us with situations that require us to support other adults, whether they are co-parents, teachers, or friends’ parents. We are expected to back them up until we must draw a line. If your children’s father were verbally abusive or displaying violent behavior, no sensible person would advise you to maintain a united front with him. To teach your daughters that they should endure suffering by suppressing their concerns would be detrimental to their growth.
When something unexpected or shocking happens in a public setting, people tend to look to each other to determine the appropriate response. Similarly, when young people observe adults engage in upsetting or puzzling behavior, they seek cues as to how surprising or unacceptable such actions are. Ethical education lies in our reactions to other people’s behavior.
The challenge lies in validating legitimate complaints and acknowledging the concept of grievances without turning it into a battlefield for proxy conflicts. Even well-behaved teenagers can quickly learn to pit one parent against the other. And you might not want to face the consequences if anything you say is unintentionally repeated.
Is there a middle ground between being a united front and undermining their father? Can you create a space where your teenagers can express their feelings without your own views overwhelming their emotions?
Imagine you were assigned to listen to their side of the story as an unbiased mediator. You would adopt a posture focused on their feelings rather than your own. You wouldn’t involve yourself in judging their father and his family. Instead, you would guide them in managing their emotions and finding ways to move forward. You wouldn’t pry for details or indulge in narrative-style gossip. You would be a listener, not a participant.
If this approach seems sustainable, it could be a way to fulfill your obligations – both to your children and their father.
It’s worth noting that you have already expressed great esteem for your daughters in your message. Highlighting and reinforcing these feelings may help counteract the negative impact on their self-esteem. Protecting individuals from negativity can involve addressing and discussing it, or it can mean creating a space where it simply doesn’t have a presence. In your company, their value and worth should be unquestioned.
If you can provide a space for your daughters to feel their emotions without feeling the need to share those emotions yourself, you may become the one parent in their lives who offers this unconditional support.
Denial of responsibility! Vigour Times is an automatic aggregator of Global media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, and all materials to their authors. For any complaint, please reach us at – [email protected]. We will take necessary action within 24 hours.
