Ask Amy: Can I decline my cousin’s invitation to avoid encountering his abusive father?

Both my mother and her sister are deceased, so I am unsure if they were aware of the molestation when my sister and I would babysit for Thomas and stay overnight at their house. My late father did mention his knowledge of this before he passed away. It saddens me that he did not confront his brother-in-law and protect his own daughters.

How can I decline the invitation to visit my cousin without bringing up this painful past? Fortunately, my cousin and his wife do not have children, so I do not need to worry about that. I could invite them to my home instead, but they are excited for us to see their new house. However, I have no desire to see the creepy uncle, even though he is now elderly and feeble.

I do not want to sever the connection with my cousin, but I am struggling to come up with a legitimate excuse without being brutally honest, which I hope to avoid. I greatly appreciate your wisdom in this matter.

Weary and Wary: I am deeply sorry for the trauma you and your sister experienced, and for the lack of support and protection from your family. You did not mention if your creepy uncle currently resides with “Thomas” or if he would be present during your visit.

The essence of your dilemma is whether to reveal or keep silent about this part of your past. Instead of approaching the truth with brutality, consider addressing it with compassion for both yourself and your cousin, who may have had some awareness or even been a victim himself. Seeking guidance from a therapist could help you weigh your options.

If you choose to disclose the truth, you could start by saying, “I am truly sorry to have to share this with you. I care deeply about our relationship and want to maintain a close bond. This is heartbreaking for me, and I know it will be difficult for you, but I feel it is important to tell you the truth about what I went through…”