Dear Therapist,
I have spent the last two decades trying to maintain a connection with two close friends from high school. Despite living in different places, I have consistently reached out to them whenever I returned to our hometown. I sent them Christmas cards, and our families are familiar with each other. I even made an effort to visit my friends’ parents when I passed by their houses while walking my parents’ dog. These were friends that I felt a deep bond with, and I believed that our shared history would always keep us connected. However, recent events have made me question the authenticity of our friendships.
Last year, I discovered that one of my friends, whom I will refer to as Jess, was getting married when I saw the wedding invitation at my other friend’s house. The friend, let’s call her Jane, mentioned that it was a small wedding. Although I felt left out, I decided to let it go. A few months later, Jane got engaged, and yet, I haven’t received an invitation to her upcoming wedding. This has made me question whether my friends were truly interested in my wedding five years ago when I invited them. They didn’t attend, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. However, now it seems that they weren’t interested in me or my wedding at all. It feels like I have been blindsided by the realization that my friends have moved on without me.
This revelation has left me devastated. I believed that our formative years were defined by strong and supportive relationships that would withstand the test of time. However, it appears that I was mistaken. My friends have moved on, keeping each other close while forgetting about me. Although I want answers, I am not seeking any explanations from them. Their actions have already spoken for themselves.
The advice columns on midlife friendships often suggest reaching out, making plans, and not keeping score. I followed this advice, but it didn’t work. I have been abandoned by my friends, and one cannot replace old friendships.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
While you believe that your friends’ actions speak for themselves and that nothing they could say would offer any solace, I would like to present a different perspective. Your assumptions about these friendships may not be entirely accurate, and it is these assumptions, rather than your friends’ actions, that are causing you so much pain.
I understand the sense of exclusion you are feeling and how not being invited to their weddings has made you question the bond you believed you shared for decades. In your mind, you have been a good friend who consistently nurtured these relationships and showed how much you valued having these women in your life. Now, the absence of wedding invitations has led you to believe that your friendships were a facade and that the warmth you felt towards these women was unreciprocated.
Feeling excluded is a natural human response, but the broader meaning you have attached to this rejection is hindering your ability to see the full picture of these friendships. Let’s take a step back and consider some context. While I don’t know the dynamics of your high school friendship, it is common in friend groups, especially ones with three members, for not everyone to be equally close. Certain people naturally connect more with each other, and this doesn’t devalue other friendships within the group. The fact that you have all remained in touch for 20 years after graduation speaks to the strength of the connections you do have. It’s possible for someone to have a high regard for you but feel closer to someone else without diminishing the value of your relationship.
Furthermore, friendships often change after high school due to various factors such as distance, different interests, and diverging life paths. The things that bonded you as teenagers may no longer be relevant or enough to sustain a friendship. Nevertheless, your friendships have endured in a different form. You seemed to understand and accept this when neither Jess nor Jane attended your wedding. Although you may have been disappointed by their absence, it didn’t devastate you at the time. You were more focused on the presence of people who play a more active role in your current life. Your perspective has changed retroactively upon learning of your exclusion from their weddings, causing you to question the entire friendship.
However, this doesn’t mean that Jess and Jane don’t want to be your friends or that they have forgotten about you. If they had no interest in a friendship with you, they wouldn’t have any interactions with you. There is no evidence to suggest that they have abandoned you. You claim to have been “dumped” by your friends, but they haven’t disappeared from your life. Instead, consider that they may have avoided mentioning the lack of an invitation to spare your feelings because they do care about you. Wedding guest lists are challenging to navigate, especially with two extended families and friends from both sides. Exclusions are inevitable.
The difficulty you are facing lies in acknowledging that there are different forms of “close” friendships. Some are forged through the shared experiences of adolescence, and nothing can replace that unique bond. Others are close because of their involvement in each other’s present lives. There are also friendships in which you can easily pick up where you left off, even after years or decades of not seeing each other.
While you are correct in saying that “you can’t make new old friends,” there is no need to do so. You could choose to end these friendships and withdraw because of the hurt you have experienced, but that doesn’t align with what any of you truly want. Instead, now is an excellent opportunity to reflect on the bigger picture of these friendships over the past 20 years. Consider what you value in these relationships and your hopes for their future, and communicate that to your friends. You might express your excitement for them finding their life partners and express a desire to meet their new spouses next time you are in the same town. Or indicate that while you understand that you weren’t invited to their weddings, you would still like to be a part of their lives and celebrate future milestones as your families grow.
By doing so, you would be nurturing these friendships by embracing the fluid nature of friendships over time. It is evident that these women are important to you, and I believe you are important to them as well. The only thing currently standing between you and your friendships is your hesitation.
I hope this perspective helps you find a path towards healing and continued connection.
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