After the dissolution of my marriage, I sought therapy and decided to reconnect with my ex from college. For years, I had believed that my anxiety was the cause of our breakup, but I needed closure and reached out to him. To my surprise, he revealed that his own struggles with mental health contributed to the end of our relationship, absolving me of any blame. Something is loading. Sign up now to access your personalized feed on the go and stay updated on your favorite topics. Download the app!
What is it about the aftermath of a breakup that urges us to examine every serious relationship we’ve ever had? The first couple of years following my divorce were filled with highs and lows. During my marriage, I had neglected to address my depression and anxiety, but I took the time afterward to prioritize my mental well-being. Like many newly single women, I engaged in behaviors such as excessive drinking, reckless spending, and seeking validation through romantic connections. However, eventually, I found solace in the fact that I could walk away from a troubled marriage and ensure the well-being of myself and my children.
Through therapy and the support of my friends and children, I was able to find balance and acquire the necessary tools to manage my anxiety and depression. With this newfound stability, I wanted to explore my past and determine if I had overlooked warning signs in my previous relationships, just as I had done in my marriage. I questioned whether I was destined to allow romantic partners to diminish my self-worth and treat me disrespectfully, regardless of how compassionate I became with myself and assertive with others. I craved reassurance that I deserved a healthy and mutually respectful partnership. My initial instinct was to contact Max, my college boyfriend and the first person I reached out to for answers. [Editor’s note: Max’s name has been changed for privacy reasons.]
In January 2022, after having a few drinks, I sent Max a message on Facebook. “You were brought up in a conversation with my college friends the other day. I hope life has been kind to you and your loved ones amidst the challenges of COVID. Shoot me a message sometime, and let’s catch up. Take care.” I fell asleep shortly after sending the message and completely forgot about it. Several weeks later, I received a response from Max. “Hey Jeni! I just saw your message. I’m not on Facebook frequently, and it seems like the platform changes every time I log in. Nevertheless, I’ll send you a friend request and we can reconnect.”
After exchanging a few more messages on Facebook, we decided to switch to another platform and share our phone numbers. We began texting, and during a phone call where we exchanged pleasantries, I mustered up the courage to inquire about his recollection of our relationship’s demise. For years, I had attributed it to my heightened anxiety. I reminded him of how his choice of words, such as “We need to talk” or “Can I ask you something?”, would trigger my anxiety, causing me to anticipate the worst possible outcome.
To my astonishment, Max didn’t recall my anxiety having as significant an impact as I had assumed. In his perspective, his own mental health struggles, which I had never known about, played a major role in our breakup. He had been going through a difficult period at the time and believed that he couldn’t provide the emotional support I needed. Hence, he believed it was kinder to let me go. When I heard this revelation, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe that I had spent years fixating on my behavior and continuously examining the end of our relationship. It had become a measuring stick against which I evaluated every subsequent relationship. I felt embarrassed for not asking him about this sooner.
Six months after our breakup, I had stopped yearning for Max. However, in the years that followed, I occasionally pondered whether the trajectory of my life would have been different had I acted differently in our relationship. After all, he was my first real romantic connection, and I frequently compared subsequent relationships to ours. Nevertheless, I chose not to mention these thoughts to Max. I realized that I had attributed a greater significance to his role in my narrative than it deserved. It’s amusing to look back on my past from a place of mental stability and contentment. Our relationship lasted a mere six months when I was approximately 20 years old, and it now appears rather inconsequential.
The closure Max provided not only gave me the confidence to move on but also allowed me to release the notion that I was inherently unlovable, a belief that had plagued me since our breakup at age 20. My relationship with Max represented my first significant romantic connection and subsequent heartbreak, creating a pattern of self-blame, martyrdom, and a lack of self-worth that persisted for two decades. While it didn’t explain the endings of my other relationships, it made me wonder how many individuals limit their chances of finding love by fixating on past relationships. With that being said, I wouldn’t change a single thing because I now have two children whom I adore and the understanding that I am exactly where I belong, with the right person.
The experience of going through a divorce compelled me to pursue certifications as a relationship and intimacy coach, as well as a sex coach. Additionally, discussing my brief college relationship with Max led me to become the genuinely fulfilled and self-assured woman I am today.
Max and I discovered that we live in the same city, just a few miles apart. Since I was unsure how long I would remain in the city after finalizing my divorce, I asked him if he would be interested in meeting up. We made plans to meet at my firepit so that I could introduce him to my children and fiancé, and he could introduce me to his wife. Someday soon, we will have that gathering, and I will embrace him tightly to express my gratitude.
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