Our marriage faced a challenging start. Originally, we had plans to move to Cheltenham right after our honeymoon. But at the last minute, Niel’s company asked him to remain in London. As a result, we were suddenly separated, which was a miserable feeling. In 2007, our first son, William, was born. I raised him by myself during the week, while Niel would return on weekends to lend a helping hand.
Gradually, I became accustomed to being alone. In fact, it wasn’t until we started living together again in Cheltenham, two years after our second son, Joe, was born in 2010, that we realized our marriage was falling apart. We had grown accustomed to doing things separately.
Following our separation, we remained legally married but rented a property close by and took turns residing there. However, this arrangement lasted only six months because neither of us wanted to spend money on an expensive rental flat. We needed personal space, so for a few months, we spent our weekends in hotels and began dating other people. Yet, we soon realized that we were wasting money and that we were still best friends. After all, we had always had separate bedrooms – Niel has a tendency to snore – so we decided to live together again. Strangely enough, it worked.
Initially, we kept our romantic lives private, but eventually, we started sharing our horror stories and jokingly acknowledged that things were so bad out there that we might end up back together. While other couples threatened divorce, we playfully threatened to get married again. In fact, I even drove Niel to the local pub to meet my now-boyfriend, Ian, and left him there for the night.
Now, four years later, we have become one big family: Niel and I with our two boys, and Ian with his two sons. We spend holidays and outings together and have even formed a bubble during lockdown.
For the first few years, Niel and I were in Cheltenham, and Ian lived nearby. However, just when we thought our situation couldn’t become any more unconventional, Ian and Niel decided to move in together.
Two years ago, Ian made the decision to move to Scotland to care for his brother. Niel and I planned to join him once our eldest son completed his GCSEs. We intend to pool our resources and purchase a house in Scotland that can accommodate all of us: Niel and I, William and Joe, Ian and his sons, and even Ian’s brother and my mother.
After that, Niel, who was considering becoming a teacher, chose to train in the Scottish system. It made sense for him to live with Ian during his training since Ian had the space and Niel needed somewhere to stay. Consequently, last summer, my husband and my boyfriend moved in together. I love it. I remain in Cheltenham with the kids while receiving reports from both of them about the little things that annoy each other. Sometimes, I think, “That annoys me too.”
Currently, when Niel comes to visit the boys, we swap places, and I head north to see Ian. Our plan to all live together has been postponed because William wants to complete his A-levels in England. However, once his education is finished, I hope to move to Scotland.
Niel and I have no intentions of getting a divorce. I don’t want a legal document that states we are no longer a team. We will always be a team. Nevertheless, I would love to have a kind of marriage with Ian. I would want Niel to officiate, Joe to walk me down the aisle, and William to be part of my bridal party. Initially, our friends thought it was crazy, but once they witnessed our unique dynamic, it all made sense. Some have even approached us for advice when contemplating their own separations.
I’m uncertain if Ian and I could ever have a typical relationship. For us, and for all of us involved, there is strength in our numbers. As told to Chloë Hamilton. Do you have a story to share? Email [email protected].
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