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Dear Carolyn:
I am tired of constantly being asked if I am okay and being pressured to change who I am in order to make people stop worrying. When I was 7, my mom passed away and I could sense that something was wrong. No one explained to me what had happened and I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral. As a result, my teachers would whisper about me. At the age of 10, I had to write about the worst day of my life, and I chose to write about how I couldn’t say goodbye to my mom. My teacher pulled me aside and asked if I needed to speak to the school counselor. It wasn’t until high school that I found out my mom had taken her own life by stepping in front of a train. It was devastating to learn this, but I believe they could have told me something earlier. After finding out, I was “forced” to see the guidance counselor throughout my four years of high school.
I miss my mom and the tragedy that happened, but I am not defined by it. I have a goth style in my dress, I’m not talkative or bubbly, and my family is constantly “checking in” on me. I felt uncomfortable and upset when my aunt texted me after a family gathering to make sure I was okay. At the gathering, I talked to almost everyone, enjoyed myself, and had a good time. I am a responsible adult with a job and friends, yet my family treats me as if I am on the verge of breaking down. I also feel like I can’t ask about my mom, who she was, without causing them to panic. I want my family to respect me, not worry about my well-being, and be willing to share information about my mom. How can I make this happen?
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Anonymous: It would be great if your family could see and accept you for who you truly are. However, it seems they are unable to do so. Therefore, you will need to clearly communicate your needs to them. I’m not sure why they perceive you as fragile and needy, other than it perhaps being a habit. My guess is that they also experienced trauma from your mom’s death and redirecting their concern towards you allows them to deal with their own grief in a more manageable way. Grief is a complex emotion that we often shift around until we find a way to cope with it. While it is understandable that your family members may feel stronger when they are supporting you, their condescending behavior is still unfair and dismissive of your true identity.
In order to address this issue, it is important to begin by showing compassion towards your family. Consider that they may be feeling the pain of missing your mom after a family gathering, and texting to check on you is their way of distracting themselves from their own emotional work. When you inform them of how they have misunderstood who you are, do so with kindness and respect for the difficult experiences you have all faced.
You have always had the power to advocate for your own needs, and your letter demonstrates that you are particularly skilled at doing so. Your letter eloquently conveys the message your family members need to receive if they genuinely care about your well-being. By telling your family the truth, you are also setting an example of the kind of relationship you want with them. It would have been ideal if your family hadn’t fallen into this role-playing dynamic with you, but breaking free from it will require you to step out of the role of a young person whom adults just happen to worry about. Start with one relative who is most likely to understand, and share your thoughts with them as if you were speaking to another adult. Let them know that you are indeed okay, especially when people engage in conversations with you about their feelings or about your mom, of whom there is so much you don’t know. Express that you don’t enjoy always being the person who elicits worry. Alternatively, a simple “I’m okay, how are you doing?” can be a powerful statement.
To sum it up, maintain your true self without making any changes unless you genuinely desire to. However, change the way you relate to people by confidently and kindly showing them the strong, real, and interesting adult you have become. Be patient with your family, as even those who can adjust to this new understanding of you may need time. Navigating through family dynamics and loss can be challenging, and change may be the most difficult aspect of all.
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