“Child abuse is often associated with poverty, but there exists a middle-class utopia where it is overlooked,” says Antonia Bernath, a well-known actor recognized for her roles in Downton Abbey and St Trinian’s. Despite her success, Bernath has spent most of her adult life trying to come to terms with the violent abuse she endured at the hands of her father in the 90s.
The abuse started at a very young age, with Bernath’s father using her stroller as a makeshift stand for his gun while he shot groundhogs. As she grew older, the violence escalated to the point where it was painful for her to sit down. Surprisingly, no one questioned her injuries, and her teachers remained oblivious to what was happening.
Although Bernath’s family appeared enviable to their community in Virginia, with her father being a successful storyboard artist working with prominent companies like Disney and Coca-Cola, behind closed doors, violence was all she knew. Her father would scream abusive words until late at night, leaving her feeling worthless and unloved. Emotional abuse and neglect were a daily occurrence, with instances of him locking her out of the house at night.
The physical abuse, which often involved slaps, pushes, or the use of sticks, would occur in sets of a hundred. If Bernath cried, her father would double the number. He claimed that this was a demonstration of his love for her and believed that her mother, if she truly loved her, would do the same. These experiences distorted Bernath’s perception of love, as one moment her father would be violently abusing her, and the next he would show vulnerability, telling her to kill herself.
Bernath’s childhood was marked by confusion and isolation. She was an outsider at school, struggling to understand what love meant. In an attempt to make friends, she would inflict pain on others by giving them “Chinese burns.” By the age of ten, she was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), constantly wanting to escape her horrifying reality.
Despite her mother’s inability to protect her, Bernath had a deep connection with her and remembers her as a warm and loving woman trapped in an oppressive relationship. Her father controlled every aspect of her mother’s life, from her clothing to her relationships. The isolation from friends and family was a common tactic used by abusers. Bernath urged her mother to leave multiple times but to no avail. Her mother chose to prioritize her abusive husband over her own well-being and that of her daughter.
As the years went by, her father’s alcoholism worsened, leading to even more violence. Bernath feared for her life and believed that her father would eventually carry out his threats. The night her mother took them to an Al-Anon support group was particularly disturbing. Upon returning home, her father discovered where they had been and unleashed his rage. Bernath vividly recalls being terrified and frozen as her father climbed on top of her in bed. Luckily, he passed out, allowing her to remain motionless until it was time to go to school.
Although she never explicitly told her mother what had happened that night, Bernath believes her mother must have known. On their way home from school the next day, her mother made a brave decision. She asked Bernath to tell her father, “It’s us or the drink.” The confrontation resulted in a chase where Bernath and her mother fled for their lives. They narrowly escaped as they hid under a bridge, waiting for her father to pass.
Their escape from her father’s tyranny was only the beginning of their struggles. Bernath’s mother had been secretly battling breast cancer and was in desperate need of treatment. Upon discovering this, her father cut off her medical insurance, making it difficult for her to receive the care she needed. Eventually, they managed to separate their lives from him and sought refuge with Bernath’s feminist powerhouse grandmother in England.
Living in England brought some semblance of normalcy to their lives. Unfortunately, it took some time for Bernath’s mother to resume her treatment. Nevertheless, Bernath cherishes the moments they had together and admires her mother’s strength for leaving their abusive household. Through it all, her grandmother became a beacon of support and empowerment.
Bernath’s story is a testament to the hidden reality of child abuse in middle-class communities. It sheds light on the lasting impact it has on survivors and the immense strength needed to break free from the cycle of abuse.
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