As of late, I’ve found myself struggling with how to handle my friend “V”. While she is undeniably sweet, she has a tendency to talk incessantly, primarily about herself. Despite having been friends for years, it is only recently that I’ve realized that our conversations revolve around her monologues, with little to no interest in my life. I’ve attempted to interject during these talks or continue speaking when she begins talking over me, but it seems to have minimal impact. Sometimes I must flat out say, “V, let me finish” or “V, it’s my turn to speak now.”
While I do not want to hurt her feelings, I’m growing weary of being held captive as her audience. It can be exhausting to not be heard and renders the sense that I could be anyone sitting there. Seeking guidance, I consulted with BACP registered psychotherapist, Armele Philpotts. Philpotts pondered whether V may be anxious or lacking in social needs. Additionally, Philpotts suggested that V may not understand how to listen or simply may not want to. Being able to reflect and listen is a vital skill few people possess, yet most individuals allow others to speak.
Philpotts also raised the possibility of this communication style being a family trait, as I have known V since school and may know her parents. While it does not make the situation easier, it may provide clarity. I believe that if I wish to maintain this friendship, it is time to take action. Rather than being snappy, I could employ humor, a challenging feat given the prolonged nature of the circumstances. Alternatively, at the beginning of a conversation, I could ask if she could listen to me for a bit.
While I have friends who are not the best listeners, they excel in other areas. Unfortunately, individuals who shift the topic of the conversation onto themselves are harder to deal with. While they might initiate the shift to show they can relate or understand, if the conversation fails to circle back, it becomes frustrating. In my experience, those who hardly ask questions of others tend not only to be disinterested but also uninteresting themselves. Perhaps attempting to do activities with V would create less opportunity for excessive talking.
It is reasonable and understandable to move apart from friendships that no longer work. While it’s true that friends made in school can be lifelong, developing different interests or needing different things can result in losing touch. Although V is a sweet person, putting our friendship on pause is okay if it isn’t working.
Perhaps recommending a podcast to V on the art of listening or having her listen to Annalisa Barbieri’s podcast, in which she addresses personal problems sent in by readers, could offer some insight. If you’re in need of advice, send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa, unfortunately, cannot personally correspond due to the volume of submissions. Please keep in mind that comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure that discussion remains on topic. Comments may take a short time to appear on the site.
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