I have a brief window in which to soak all my troubles away. The rosemary bath salts are in, a candle has been lit, and I am hoping to blot out all conscious thought. But something isn’t right. The water is too hot, the herby scent cloying. And what about all the jobs left undone – the bills not paid, the trains not booked?
If you have ever emerged from a bath or a yoga class feeling more stressed than before, you understand the concept of faux self-care. In the era of Goop, there is a trend of packaging and selling products as the solution to stress, burnout, and depression. These products, targeted at women, promise to help women become their best selves but often have the opposite effect.
Amelia Nagoski, co-author of Burnout: Solve Your Stress Cycle, describes this trend as an anti-feminist trap. It implies that women shouldn’t expect care from others and should rely solely on self-care. Pooja Lakshmin, a psychiatrist, calls it a “commodified, consumer-oriented band-aid” that we’ve been sold to cope with a society that doesn’t care for us.
Lakshmin points out that many patients believe it’s their fault for not practicing self-care correctly when they feel terrible. They feel that they don’t deserve happiness unless they have mastered self-care techniques. However, surface-level self-care, focused on comparing ourselves with others or striving for perfection, lacks substance and cannot truly nourish us in the long run.
Meaningful self-care involves addressing the underlying issues causing stress. Lakshmin suggests examining what will genuinely benefit you instead of following influencers who claim something worked for them. It could mean having difficult conversations or setting boundaries to resolve problems. By addressing these underlying issues, the effects of self-care can trickle down and have a positive impact on others.
Lakshmin emphasizes that feeling terrible is a result of living in a world stacked against us. Societal problems like lack of access to healthcare and mental health resources contribute to our collective stress. Superficial self-care advice, like taking a bubble bath or having a glass of wine, can feel condescending and insufficient when faced with these larger issues.
Real self-care involves community and connection. It’s about exchanging support and accepting help from others who care about you. Being authentic and letting go of socially constructed ideals is essential. While we may not face the same struggles as those for whom self-care was initially designed, reconnecting with the radical roots of the self-help movement can provide a valuable perspective.
Lakshmin recommends focusing on small choices over time for sustainable change. Real wellness is often mundane and not dramatic. It involves hundreds of small choices that collectively lead to a healthier and happier lifestyle.
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