“Do you have a preference for Sartre over sports? Bukowski over beige? These were the captivating words that appeared on my now-wife’s dating profile, and they instantly captivated my heart some 16 years ago. At that point, we hadn’t communicated through calls or met in person. I didn’t even know her name or have a picture of her. Yet, when I stumbled upon her profile and read those words, a strange but undeniable connection began to form. It felt as though she was speaking directly to me. I had recently returned to Sydney after completing my postgraduate studies at the Sorbonne in Paris, focusing on philosophy and poetics. So when I discovered this intriguing mystery of a woman who introduced herself with such an unconventional opening line, my senses awakened with excitement.
In my experience, most women didn’t perceive poets as suitable partners for a lasting relationship. And let’s face it, neither Sartre nor Bukowski were known for their relationship skills. However, here was a woman who opened her profile, taking a shot in the dark, and engaging with my seemingly useless expertise. Who asks for nothing but dedicates hours to exchanging thoughts on poetry and politics? It was an alluring and puzzling enigma.
What followed was a series of increasingly lengthy messages, spanning various topics from politics to pets, filling our days with an exhilarating back-and-forth. We connected on a level deeper than any person I had met in years. However, she still hesitated to meet in person. So, I shared my real email address, offering a means to communicate beyond the confines of online dating. And then, silence.
It wasn’t just silence; her profile vanished completely. After a day or so, I reached out to customer care, seeking answers about her sudden disappearance. It was an unusual step, as people often disappear in the online dating world and prefer not to be pursued. But this situation felt different. “Don’t pursue it,” was the response from customer service. They claimed to work diligently in excluding scammers, asserting that this particular person was not who they claimed to be. Yet, she hadn’t claimed to be anyone. I countered, questioning what kind of fraudster asks for nothing but invests hours in discussing poetry and politics?
Later, I discovered that she had indeed uploaded a photo on her dating profile. However, it had been hidden behind a password, and her account disappeared when the moderators recognized the picture. As it turned out, the photo was of the author and human rights advocate Tara Moss, leading them to wrongly assume that she was impersonating Tara Moss herself. Hence, her account was deleted for impersonating…herself.
Several days later, she sent me an email, promising to explain everything over coffee. The email included a photograph, and when I laid my eyes upon it, the humming in my heart transformed into a symphony of trumpets. She was breathtakingly beautiful, surpassing all expectations. Meeting her in person at a cozy Sydney cafe only intensified my admiration. As we sipped our coffees, which, over time, turned into cocktails, we delved into her unexpected disqualification from the world of online dating. I couldn’t help but gaze at her lips, imagining their taste.
The rest is history, as they say. Celebrating almost 14 years of marriage, we have traversed the globe, camped on sandy beaches, and climbed mountains together. We have experienced love and created art. Tara is the most remarkable person I have encountered – driven and compassionate, delicate yet resilient.
Our relationship continues to grow stronger. In 2016, Tara faced a devastating hip injury that had a profound impact on her health and our lives. However, she refused to give up, even when walking seemed impossible. Her determination and tenacity became an inspiration. Today, she is recovering swiftly, and our connection deepens with each passing day. Through the trials we endured, she emerged as a changed person – stronger, more certain, but also more spiritually attuned and enchanting.
And to my knowledge, she remains the most successful online dater in history. One date led her to meet her husband, have a child, and even secure a refund and an apology from the dating site. Honestly, it’s very much in line with her character – turning a negative situation into a positive outcome is one of her most remarkable qualities.
I am Berndt Sellheim, a poet, author, and photographer from Western Australia, currently residing in British Columbia, Canada with my wife Tara and our daughter. Both Tara and I proudly serve as ambassadors for Red Room Poetry’s annual Poetry Month, taking place from 1-31 August.
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