Last week, while shopping for back-to-school essentials, I found myself in a crowded shop, reminiscent of a rush-hour train. With a long shopping list in hand, my top priority, according to my 12-year-old, was to buy an iPhone screen protector. As the assistant meticulously polished my son’s phone, I noticed a shop out of the corner of my eye that piqued my curiosity. “I’m just going in there,” I casually gestured towards Ann Summers, as if I were off to buy a pint of milk. “For a joke present,” I continued, pointing in the general direction and awkwardly wandering in circles before finally being propelled through the door.
Inside the garishly lit interior of Ann Summers, I knew I would find what I was looking for. I settled on purchasing a Womanizer, a sex toy that I believe should be prescribed on the NHS. Surprisingly, in recent years, I have experienced an unexpected surge of sexual energy that strikes at the most random moments and feels impossible to control. It’s quite unexpected behavior for a middle-aged mom like me. However, this heightened libido is not due to a female version of Viagra, but rather the hormonal surge associated with the perimenopause, which has been amplified by hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
As my 40s progressed, I began to feel my mood declining, so I started HRT treatment at the age of 46. Although I didn’t experience any other symptoms or hot flushes, I anticipated that my experience would mirror my mother’s tumultuous menopause. So, I sought out HRT as a solution. Finally, I felt calmer, but my already increasing sex drive was further elevated.
To put it bluntly, my clitoris became incredibly sensitive, reacting strongly to any intriguing or attractive passerby. It was quite awkward standing in line at Sainsbury’s, to say the least. I had no idea that the artificial hormones in HRT could have this effect on some women. My daily dose of estrogen, applied as a single pump of EstroGel on each thigh, transformed me into a sexually awakened woman like never before. (And if you already knew this, why did you keep it a secret?)
While there are many listed side effects of HRT, the one they forgot to mention was the high likelihood of feeling so sexy that you’ll want to sleep with the postman. In my case, he happened to be 13 years younger than me, and the experience was hot, wild, and truly liberating. This revelation is truly the best-kept secret of midlife womanhood, as if we’ve stumbled upon a hidden gem of female Viagra by chance.
For six months, I had been living apart from my family when I began taking HRT. In some ways, it was a soothing balm that allowed me to express myself sexually amidst the pain of my separation. Growing up in the 1980s, I, like many girls, believed in the concept of “The One” — the man who would sweep me off my feet and stay by my side for life. When it came to sex with “The One,” it didn’t matter if it was good, bad, or indifferent; I just wanted my childhood fairytale to come true.
However, as time went on, whether it was “The One” or simply someone for the night, I was ready to explore my options. On one of my child-free weekends, alone in a rented house and separated from my husband for over a year, I found myself logging onto a website called Toyboy Warehouse. Despite the ridiculous name and the knowledge that it would provide amusing banter with my girlfriends, I was secretly intrigued for other reasons.
I wasn’t looking to meet another life partner; I simply wanted uncomplicated sex without the tedious buildup. Was this what it felt like to be a young, hot-blooded man? For a couple of days, I perused profiles of “cubs looking for cougars,” realizing with a shudder that I was now considered a potential “sugar momma” in the online dating world.
As the site began to feel eerie and disreputable, I started feeling a bit dirty for even being on it. But just as I was about to delete my profile, I stumbled upon the profile of a Frenchman 13 years younger than me, whom I quickly nicknamed Napoleon despite his towering height of 6 ft 2 in. He seemed “normal” enough, with attractive features and no visible red flags in his profile pictures. We decided to meet.
When he came to visit me, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to savor more: the Lebanese food I had ordered or the tall, handsome Frenchman in front of me. By the second day, our naked reflections in the mirror confirmed that this was exactly what I needed. It was exhilarating, passionate, and completely freeing.
Society often portrays women in middle age as being undeserving or uninterested in sex. We must appear revolting in bed compared to young, toned 20-somethings. However, this view not only deprives half the population of fulfilling sexual experiences beyond the age of 30, but it also fails to acknowledge the real feelings of women. I would rather embrace the imperfections that come with midlife, cherishing my battle-scarred belly from giving birth to two children, my wobbly upper arms, and my dimpled bottom — all the markers of a life fully lived. I prefer this version of myself to the young woman I once was, lying in bed like a sex doll with no agency.
Contrary to popular belief, the idea that women lose interest in sex after 40 is nothing more than a myth. Some perimenopausal and menopausal women, even those not on HRT, are experiencing an upsurge in hormones and confidence that allows them to enjoy sex even more in their 40s and 50s than they did in their uncertain 20s. If this were a phenomenon experienced by middle-aged men, it would make headlines every day.
Napoleon and I have an unconventional, but committed and recently monogamous, relationship that works perfectly for us. We have spent long periods apart, during which we have both explored sex with other people. However, we quickly realized that nothing compares to the passion we share together and dramatically decided to reunite. And, as you may have guessed, the sex on that occasion was…
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