Toxic Masculinity: Recognizing Its Presence in Lesbian Relationships

• During my experience of dating women, I held the mistaken belief that these relationships would have better communication and mutual respect.
• However, I soon learned that behaviors associated with toxic masculinity can manifest in any relationship.
• Even within queer partnerships, individuals can also encounter manipulation, gaslighting, or abuse.

When I first entered into relationships with women, I harbored certain misconceptions about WLW (women-loving-women) dynamics. I believed that dating a woman would result in stronger communication, mutual respect, and a reduction of objectification. I assumed that I would be immune to the toxic dynamics I had previously experienced in relationships with men. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that this was not the case.

I was disheartened when I encountered these behaviors in my new partners

Toxic masculinity encompasses a range of behaviors often exhibited by men and individuals who identify as masculine. These behaviors glorify dominance and strength at the expense of others. They can include objectification, sexual coercion, emotional detachment, aggression, physical and emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, intimidation, and fear-mongering. It is important to note that these behaviors are not exclusive to men, nor are all traditionally masculine behaviors inherently harmful.

“Toxic masculinity consists of behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that promote aggression, control, and domination within relationships,” explained Ann Russo, a lesbian psychotherapist. She emphasized that while it is commonly associated with heterosexual relationships, it can also be present in lesbian relationships.

I have encountered manipulation, gaslighting, and controlling behaviors in some of the women I have dated. However, I was not prepared for these dynamics to manifest outside of my relationships with men.

Unhealthy relationship dynamics can profoundly impact partners’ mental health

Controlling dynamics within romantic relationships can have detrimental effects on a partner’s well-being. According to Russo, when one partner exerts control over the other through emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or physical violence, it can induce feelings of fear, helplessness, and powerlessness. Additionally, it can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

Jenny, a pansexual hair stylist, shared her experience of having her first girlfriend control her clothing choices, dictate who she could spend time with, and monitor her while she slept via Skype. These actions left Jenny feeling insecure, depressed, and isolated from her loved ones.

Jenny recounted, “During car fights, she would claim to be suicidal by taking her hands off the wheel, closing her eyes, and expressing a desire to no longer live.” On one occasion, Jenny’s ex-girlfriend even physically dragged her down the stairs after witnessing her dancing with a friend.

I have also observed traits in queer women that evoke memories of toxic masculinity. For instance, a girlfriend once objectified me in public, mirroring some of the most negative experiences I had encountered in relationships with men.

Just last year, after discussing the importance of consent and sharing my history of sexual assault, a masculine woman unexpectedly pushed me against a wall and kissed me without obtaining my consent. When I expressed my disinterest in pursuing a romantic relationship with her, she dismissed my bodily autonomy by stating that she decided to kiss me while she had the opportunity.

Russo hypothesized that “masculine queer women may feel compelled to conform to traditional masculine ideals.”

Establishing boundaries and seeking help

Through my relationships with women, I have come to realize that toxic masculinity can manifest through the internalization of patriarchal gender norms, resulting in harmful power imbalances.

Russo emphasized that developing a relationship free from toxic masculinity or other unhealthy dynamics necessitates open communication and a respectful consideration of each partner’s boundaries.

“Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship,” Russo stated. “Boundaries serve as guidelines that define acceptable and respectful behavior.” In order to set clear boundaries, it is important to communicate your needs, expectations, and limits to your partner.

In situations where assistance is required, seeking help and support is essential. Russo underscored the value of working with an experienced therapist who can offer tailored guidance. “They can assist you in navigating the challenges of setting boundaries, breaking free from toxic patterns, and creating healthier relationship dynamics,” Russo advised.

However, it is important to recognize that setting boundaries may not always result in a change of behavior from a partner who may not be receptive. In such cases, breaking away from a toxic cycle may require reevaluating the relationship, with the primary focus being on ensuring one’s own safety.