I must admit, I take great pride in my impeccable legs. They are unquestionably my most attractive feature. However, there is a catch. While my right leg is flawlessly proportioned, the situation below my left knee is a complete disaster.
Over 30 years ago, during a cup match in Amersham Town, I suffered a severe fracture in my left leg. The X-ray results were deemed “impressive” by the radiologist. I endured seven months of wearing a plaster cast and an entire year before I could walk unaided. And even then, the challenges persisted.
Soon after, the dreaded varicose veins made their appearance at an alarming rate. The prognosis? A lifelong need to wear compression socks. However, I managed to briefly evade this fate through a couple of surgeries. Alas, I am back to relying on compression socks. But these are not your ordinary, off-the-shelf kind. Oh no, mine are classified as class 3, the most aggressively tightening socks available only through prescriptions or specialist online retailers at exorbitant prices. Putting them on in the morning is no easy task. It’s as challenging as squeezing oneself into a duck’s arse. To accomplish this feat, I require generous amounts of Vaseline and the assistance of three burly workers from a nearby construction site. If there’s no help available, I find myself wrestling and cursing in a one-man battle. It’s definitely a strenuous workout but an unpleasant way to start the day.
Let’s spare a moment, shall we, for fellow compression sock wearers during this time of year. In shorts, skirts, or dresses, there’s simply no denying that they are far from fashionable. And to add insult to injury, class 3 socks only come in that dreadful beige color, a shade that fails to match anyone’s skin tone.
The only solace is that as much as my torture device ruins the beginning of my day, it provides immense relief when I can finally peel it off before bed.
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Adrian Chiles is a esteemed columnist for The Guardian.
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