Why ‘The Ultimatum’ is Problematic for Relationships

As a woman in my 30s, I am often bombarded with sponsored content on social media. One particular company, Brilliant Earth, constantly urges me to choose an engagement ring for my significant other to appreciate. But honestly, I find it more appealing to eat a denim jacket than to let a corporation hint at my desire to get engaged. However, there’s a reality series on Netflix called ‘The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On’ that captivates me despite my aversion to these sponsored posts.

In this show, couples facing a dilemma participate. One partner desires marriage while the other hesitates. At the beginning of the series, they separate, date other people for a week, and then choose a new partner for a trial marriage lasting three weeks. After this, they return to their original partner for a similar duration. The experiment ends with three options: stay single, begin a new relationship with someone they met on the show, or get engaged to their original partner.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to get married, and many people find happiness in marriage. However, ‘The Ultimatum’ often emphasizes marriage for the sake of marriage itself. In doing so, it highlights the downside of a culture and show that prioritizes the institution of marriage over actual relationships.

The hosts of the show, Nick and Vanessa Lachey, were previously on Netflix’s reality show ‘Love Is Blind.’ They introduce ‘The Ultimatum’ by sharing a lesson from their own marriage. After five years of dating, Vanessa gave Nick an ultimatum to either get married or break up. They chose to go their separate ways for a month and date other people. This short period of time made Nick realize that he only wanted Vanessa. The Lacheys, who have been married for 12 years now, share their story along with the disclaimer that psychologists don’t recommend giving ultimatums as a way to get what you want.

However, since this is a reality show, the hosts thrive on drama by encouraging the use of ultimatums. They claim ultimatums are the best way to get the answers you need within a specific timeframe. ‘The Ultimatum’ is like other reality-romance series—a bit of a train wreck. Attractive young people flirt, discuss love, and drink excessively. Friends and family of participants provide biting commentary as they meet new partners and spend time with the original ones. But unlike shows like ‘Married at First Sight,’ ‘Love Is Blind,’ and ’90 Day Fiancé’ that focus on near-strangers, ‘The Ultimatum’ concentrates on couples with existing conflicts.

Delving into the dynamics of real-life couples and their ongoing relationship struggles can make for captivating television. However, many participants on the show seem to prioritize marriage itself rather than building a life with their partner. The term ‘shut-up ring,’ coined by podcaster Cecilia Regina, describes the engagement ring presented by one partner reluctantly to their patiently waiting significant other. ‘The Ultimatum’ has become known as ‘The Shut-Up Ring Show’ for this reason. The series portrays marriage as something couples, especially women, need to constantly strive for. It validates a worldview where the title of ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ is the ultimate aspiration.

On ‘The Ultimatum,’ women spend a significant amount of screen time trying to prove they are worthy of the role of a wife. They focus on their domestic duties like cooking, cleaning, and planning for future children. In one episode, a participant questions her boyfriend’s doubts about soulmates by reminding him that after seven years together, he should know if she’s the one he wants to spend his life with. She then questions herself, wondering what she’s doing if he’s unsure about marrying her. On the other hand, the men on the show often use their financial stability as a reason for not being ready to propose or as justification for demanding their partners agree to marry on their timeline.

Previous seasons of the show have shown similar fixations. ‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love,’ which aired earlier this year, explored the intense belief in marriage as the only means of validating a relationship held by some queer women and gender-nonconforming participants. For queer individuals, the desire to be recognized by society through a legitimate union can be complex. While the show touched on some of these nuances, it ultimately reinforced harmful ideals that also afflict the heterosexual version of the show. In one episode of the reunion, a participant revealed that she had been arrested for assaulting her then-partner, who was also present. However, the show treated this incident no differently than other issues that ended relationships during the season.

This season’s reunion also brought attention to a concerning response to domestic violence. In the first episode, one woman physically assaulted her male partner. During the reunion, the primary focus of this incident was attributed to the woman’s pregnancy hormones and treated as equal to the verbal insults she had hurled at other participants. This unfortunate scene reminds viewers that the show’s narrow focus allows it to trivialize intimate-partner violence as just another obstacle to marriage.

‘The Ultimatum’ fails to delve deep into the assumptions people bring into their romantic relationships or the conflicts that cannot be resolved by a ring. Despite the progress made by reality-dating shows, this genre continues to prioritize a mainstream vision of happily ever after that shapes American dating. Combined with the drama-fueled environments created by producers, the show becomes uncomfortably gripping. Perhaps it’s time for us, the viewers, to move on.