Sofie Hagen’s Dream Dinner: Lewis Capaldi, Roxane Gay, and a Special Guest from ‘Killing Eve’

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In my fantasy dinner party, I wouldn’t invite designer Abigail Ahern, but she graciously allowed me to host it at her house. In my imagination, her house becomes a haven of maximalist aesthetics, with hairy cushions, dark walls, and irresistibly comfortable seats without armrests to spare my hip bones from anguish.

I’m accompanied by Aubrey Gordon, the podcaster and author of “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat.” We bond over my armrest decision, as she understands the struggles of a fat, queer lady like myself. Filled with nervousness, I confide in her, questioning my decision to invite such cool people and fearing their potential disapproval.

Gordon reassures me, patting my head, “Sofie, it’s your fantasy. They’ll all adore you.”

The doorbell rings, and to my relief, everyone arrives at once, eliminating any worries of abandonment. The first to enter is the remarkable Viola Davis, EGOT-winner and one of the greatest actresses of our time. She brings a humbling presence and a direct link to Shonda Rhimes, whom I need assistance from to convince her to create another season of “Scandal” where I play the villain despite lacking acting skills.

Shortly after, Danish actor Kim Bodnia arrives. You may ask, “Who?” But once I show you his photo, you’d undoubtedly recognize him as the bearded guy from “The Bridge” and the Russian guy from “Killing Eve.” It’s worth noting that in 2012, I had the opportunity to kiss him during a TV sketch, despite not being an actor. Strange as it may sound, that fleeting moment of passion has made me perceive him as my actual ex-boyfriend, conveniently ignoring the resemblance he bears to my dad. As I lock eyes with him, I transmit a knowing stare; he nods in acknowledgement, still remembering our encounter.

Roxane Gay, the incredible author of “Hunger,” “Difficult Women,” and “Bad Feminist,” then makes her entrance. Her presence makes me feel more at ease as she expresses her nervousness upon seeing the guest list. I take the opportunity to tell her that she is my inspiration, and she responds with a content smile.

(Continue reading in a Scottish accent.)

“Hello!” Lewis Capaldi bursts through the door. In a previous dream, he sent me romantic texts, and much like my experience with Bodnia, I couldn’t discern reality from fiction, leading to an infatuation with him until I discovered he was eight years younger than me. In this fantasy, Capaldi is 34, and our love isn’t tainted by inappropriate age differences. We share a warm embrace, or as he would describe it, “a polite hug.”

For our meal, we delight in Danish Christmas food: roast pork, roast duck, caramelized potatoes, pickled red cabbage, new baby potatoes, and the tantalizing taste of “brown gravy” that needs no further description.

As dessert arrives, I reveal that it’s been prepared by my grandmother circa 1995. Unfortunately, she’s no longer with us, and I believe including her cooking in this fantasy would dampen the mood. We savor the delectable treats, without experiencing any awkward silences or interruptions. Given our age and work commitments, there’s no alcohol present, sparing us from the discomfort of unruly drunken behavior.

Following the meal, Capaldi unexpectedly falls head over heels for me, serenading me with his songs, playfully substituting my name for various lyrics. Bodnia shouts, “She’s mine!” Fueled by jealousy, Capaldi raises his guitar menacingly, ready to strike Bodnia’s face, but I position myself between them, pleading for peace. “Stop,” I implore, locking eyes with Bodnia. “Perhaps… I am an actor after all, and what we had was only a kiss.”

Capaldi lowers his guitar. Davis, who was on the phone, rejoices and shares the news, “Hollywood knows you’re an actor! Shonda says she’ll reboot ‘Scandal’ and cast you as the main villain.” Gordon cheers, exclaiming, “You’re my inspiration, Sofie.” Gay decides that her next book will be dedicated to me.

As the desserts conclude with æbleskiver (imagine ball-shaped pancakes) and risalamande (rice porridge with a hidden almond, granting the finder a marzipan pig), I exclaim with delight and pluck the almond from my mouth. Davis presents me with the marzipan pig, affirming, “You’ve earned it.”

Capaldi begins singing his song, “Sofie, Before You Gofie,” filling the room with beauty. Bodnia sheds a regretful tear.

Sofie Hagen performs at Monkey Barrel Comedy, Edinburgh until August 27.

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