Is it unreasonable for me to distance myself from a new friend because of their relationship choices? I recently became friends with someone I met through our children’s daycare. While we have a good connection, I think our friendship developed quickly because I wanted to support her through her on-and-off relationship with a man she describes as emotionally abusive.
Lately, her ex-partner has been begging for forgiveness, which is a pattern that usually occurs after their breakups. I’m concerned that he is wearing her down and that she is spending time with him again. Our conversations often revolve around him, and it drains my energy.
I understand that victims of abuse often go back to their abusers, but I feel exhausted thinking about them reuniting and separating once more. Additionally, I am appalled by his homophobic, right-wing, and racist views.
The fact that she even considered a relationship with someone who holds such views makes me question our compatibility. If they do get back together, I want nothing to do with him, and I don’t want my children to have any contact with him either. In any case, I find myself desiring more distance between myself and this new friend, which also makes me feel guilty. What should I do?
Eleanor says: If you genuinely believe this guy is abusive, distancing yourself from your friend because of him is one of the worst things you can do. Being in an abusive relationship often affects a person’s support network because they are constantly dealing with the abuser’s drama, which can make them seem high-drama as well.
People are not perfect victims, and your friend may have made poor choices or shared the same hateful views as her ex-partner. However, it’s sad when those around her start to perceive her only as a mess because of her relationship. It seems like she is going through a terrible time with an alcoholic partner who undermines her self-worth, and she won’t break free from him anytime soon. Your patience, along with that of other friends, may be wearing thin.
One reason victims return to abusers is because they believe there’s nothing better out there for them. There’s an imaginative gap between their current situation and the possibility of a better life. Friendships can help bridge that gap by providing microcosms of patience, love, and exposure to different kinds of relationships.
That being said, continuously hearing about the same problems from friends in abusive relationships can be draining. It can feel like every conversation revolves around the boyfriend’s actions. While you don’t experience his tearful reunions or flattery, you constantly hear about the negative aspects.
There is a middle ground between distancing yourself completely and tolerating repetitive conversations. You can tell your friend, clearly and once, that you don’t approve of her boyfriend, his choices, and the amount of time spent talking about him. Emphasize that you value your friendship with her. This conversation might remind her that she is more than just a reaction to him.
Having these conversations can be difficult because they come with a social cost. Instead, we often hint at our disapproval through subtle gestures like eye-rolls or pursed lips. However, these signals can be more corrosive than one honest conversation that brings clarity.
There’s nothing wrong with expressing your disapproval of this man’s choices. It might even give your friend permission to feel the same way. Just be careful not to inadvertently reinforce the idea that he’s the only one who will stick with her.
Note: This letter has been edited for length.
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