I haven’t had the opportunity to watch the Barbie movie yet. However, after reading various online comments from individuals who express dissatisfaction with it, such as Rep. Matt Gaetz’s spouse, Ginger Gaetz, who complained about the lack of testosterone from Ken, and Senator Ted Cruz, who criticized the movie’s attempt to please the Chinese Communist Party, along with Ben Shapiro’s disapproval of the frequent use of the word “patriarchy,” I will attempt to imagine how the movie might unfold.
Scene: Exterior of Barbie’s Dream House – Day
A pink lawn sign with the words “In this house we believe ALL MEN MUST DIE” is displayed six times. Barbie wakes up and stretches.
BARBIE: Good morning, Ken! I strongly dislike all men and I am here to eradicate everyone’s testosterone, even those who utilize and enjoy it.
KEN: Excellent! It’s unfortunate that I exist. Please, Barbie, I wish to be burned at the stake to set an example!
BARBIE: Oh no, Ken! How dare you propose appropriating witch culture! Additionally, burning you at the stake would release harmful chemicals into the atmosphere, something I am against. I want to see an end to America’s coal and gas industries, but first, we must rid the world of all men.
Enter Alexandra Petri, the author of this imaginative scene, who shares her opinions.
KEN: Great! All men should perish because of the patriarchy, a system that each of us perpetuates individually and could stop if we chose to. If any young boys are watching this movie, I want them to understand (stares directly into the camera with a somber expression) that they should harbor self-hatred.
BARBIE: Absolutely correct! I am not criticizing systems, but rather individuals! Now, come and admire my map, which serves as propaganda for China.
KEN: China is the ultimate place to reside!
Scene: Exterior of Barbie’s Dream House – Day
Barbie stands on the balcony as troops dressed in pink parade by, saluting her.
BARBIE: It was thoughtful of China to lend me their army and provide billions of dollars. Everyone, enjoy your mandatory Bud Lights!
The army raises their Bud Lights in salute as a helicopter lands on the roof, emitting its distinctive “brrrrrr” sound.
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: Barbie, I bring news of a victory! We have successfully eradicated the institution of marriage!
BARBIE: Incredible! Already?
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: And now, we are making progress in infiltrating the realm of blue aisle toys! Marvel, Star Wars, and any toys with magnets will be next. Any franchise that dares to feature a male protagonist will soon face our wrath.
BARBIE: And what about “Oppenheimer”?
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: We are making headway there as well. Soon, stories about boys will be forbidden.
BARBIE: Excellent. I want them all wiped out. We will metaphorically salt the earth and start anew.
Scene: Exterior of Playroom – Day
A little boy reaches out for a Barbie doll.
BOY: I just wanted to appreciate how Barbie is portrayed as a doctor.
BARBIE: That is not allowed. You will sit in the corner and contemplate your actions.
BARBIE: You perpetuated the patriarchy.
The boy sadly sits in the corner.
BARBIE: Now, let’s give all women a raise.
BOY: But I am not in charge of that. I am only seven years old.
The map shows the spread of pink, and Australia is nearly engulfed.
Scene: Interior of Barbie’s Nightmare House – Day
Raggedy Ann and Andy are being led to separate dungeons. A Potato Head family is being punished for breaking fraternization rules. “Run the World (Girls)” blares as Captain America is forced to dance.
BARBIE: Now, it’s time to destroy the concept of family!
KEN: Barbie, do we really have to destroy the concept of family?
BARBIE: Yes, Ken, we must. And for asking such a question, I will rip off your plastic head and scatter your limbs chaotically. It’s a dangerous slope! Slippery and plastic!
Ken screams as they come for him.
The pink tide continues to spread across the map. The ocean turns pink. Every book featuring a male protagonist is thrown into a towering bonfire. Movies are next.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Do we have to destroy “Lawrence of Arabia” and “Casablanca” as well?
BARBIE: They have failed the Bechdel test. They do not meet our standards.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Not everything has to be—
A pink heel crushes a human face, symbolizing the suppression of opposing views.
Scene: Interior of Barbie’s Dream House – Dance Floor
Barbie and her friends dance vigorously, yelling to be heard above the music. The dance floor is littered with the plastic heads and limbs of various discarded Kens.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: I declare men to be illegal!
BARBIE: I detest the American way of life! I hope I was produced overseas!
MIDGE, BARBIE’S PREGNANT FRIEND: Heterosexuality was God’s biggest mistake.
BARBIE: There is no God. I killed Him.
They continue to dance with even more fervor.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Wait, Barbie, if we have outlawed men, why do we still resemble this?
Lightning strikes, thunder roars, and cracks form on Barbie’s plastic skin. Something is about to hatch. It scuttles out into the pink darkness. This creature has twenty pairs of legs, is wet yet not wet, and all the discarded Barbie shells are hatching, leading to the emergence of something slouching towards Bethlehem to be born.
BARBIE-THING: AND ALSO, I DISAPPROVE OF ZACK SNYDER’S FILMS!
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