Even the most knowledgeable and discerning women can lose their intelligence when it comes to their love lives. When asked for advice by friends, they may offer wise judgments and suggest ending the relationship. However, in their own affairs, they often act foolishly and naively, continuously engaging in self-destructive behavior. In Sheena Patel’s debut novel, “I’m a Fan,” an unnamed narrator becomes obsessed with a married older artist who sees her as a secondary concern at best. Despite knowing that their relationship is harmful to her, she remains optimistic and dismisses the knowledge that he erases all traces of her from his life. She convinces herself that their love is destined and star-crossed, ignoring the reality of the situation.
This type of one-sided and torturous relationship, commonly referred to as a “delusionship” in TikTok parlance, is a stubborn fantasy of being with someone who will always be out of reach. Patel’s narrator, a lost 30-year-old arts worker, is unwavering in her passion for the artist she desires, whom she identifies as “the man I want to be with,” despite being in a stable relationship with another man. While it is the artist who first approaches her, he lacks the same commitment and frequently cancels plans and withholds sex. The narrator clings to the occasional compliments he gives her, using them as small compensations for the lack of true emotional connection. He constantly diverts his attention to other women, including his wife, a lover in Mallorca, and his influencer ex-girlfriend, whom the narrator is obsessed with. The narrator obsessively stalks the ex-girlfriend on Instagram and dives into their past communications.
“I’m a Fan” shares similarities with Lena Andersson’s 2015 novel, “Willful Disregard,” which also explores a woman’s infatuation with a renowned male artist that begins with her admiration of his work. In both books, the man’s brilliance does not translate to emotional depth, and the protagonist must navigate his constant evasions, continuously searching for new meaning in trivial signs. Both novels depict the illusion of progress and the avoidance of stagnation, acknowledging that even going in circles can feel like movement. Similar to the protagonist in “Willful Disregard,” the narrator of “I’m a Fan” berates the man she desires for his emotional incompetence, allowing her to momentarily forget her own shortcomings and achieve a sense of superiority.
“I’m a Fan” exudes a trendy and youthful vibe, setting it apart from “Willful Disregard.” The novel incorporates the clichés of contemporary fiction, such as fragmentary structure and a millennial protagonist adrift in life. It also briefly explores bisexuality through the narrator’s encounter with a co-worker known as “the Peach,” and flirts with BDSM themes. The story is filled with references to modern status symbols, like sourdough loaves, Ganni apparel, and decorative dinnerware that resembles seventeenth-century Dutch still life paintings. It offers Tumblr-friendly cultural commentary on topics such as White privilege and algorithms. The narrative is presented as disjointed first-person entries with catchy titles reminiscent of the Notes App: “if i was a worm would you still love me,” “unbothered moisturised happy in my lane focused flourishing.”
“I’m a Fan” also follows the style of many online first-person writings: indulgent and messy prose that jumps between various subjects. The narrator attempts to connect her delusional thinking to the behavior of Trump’s supporters, likening their fervent beliefs to her own desperate search for clues. However, the comparison seems forced and lacks development. Patel’s writing often feels bloated and overwrought, as if the reader is expected to applaud the mere act of making a comparison rather than appreciate its significance. The connection between fandom and romantic infatuation, which the title suggests, remains underdeveloped.
Equally arbitrary are sections discussing real-life art exhibitions, providing detailed descriptions of the shows without offering much additional insight. While Patel may be showcasing her protagonist’s cultural awareness, it comes at the expense of neglecting fundamental information about the narrator and her love interest. Perhaps the intention is to highlight how individuals are less authentic than commodities in the age of Instagram, but this observation feels trite and tedious. Furthermore, Patel, despite her willingness to allow the narrator to discuss politics and race, fails to develop these ideas.
It is possible that some of the excesses in “I’m a Fan” are intentional and a product of the narrator’s own admission of writing in an amateur and rough manner. Her sentimentality and desire for superiority may be reflected in her attempts to criticize White privilege. However, there are too many disjointed elements in the book, and the cultural criticism and shopping commentary often distract from the captivating story of complex desire. Displaying imperfections may have its place on social media and in writing, but it can only take an author so far.
Cat Zhang, a Brooklyn-based critic and journalist, is an associate editor at Pitchfork.
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