Dear Amy,
I am the youngest of three sisters and have always struggled to connect with my mom and sisters. Our relationship has been filled with drama, which I often find myself unable to handle. Recently, my dad reached out and asked me to visit. The thought of it stressed me out so much that I had trouble sleeping the night before. I was so anxious that I almost threw up the morning of the visit.
I never know what I’ll say that will set them off. Once one of them is upset, the rest follow suit. It’s impossible for me to ask them questions because anything I say gets used against me. I’ve tried standing up for myself, but that only leads to more bullying.
Although they are my parents and sisters, I find myself wanting to distance myself from them. I don’t want to constantly tiptoe around their emotions. There have been periods of time where we haven’t spoken for years, and during those times, my life was amazing. My relationship with my husband thrived, I felt less stressed, and my daughters flourished.
I’m unsure of how to explain this to them without triggering them, but I simply don’t want them in my life. Should I provide an explanation or cut off contact completely? What should I tell my dad? Should I block him too, even if he’s innocent? It always feels like it’s them against me, and my dad stays neutral.
Confused
Dear Confused,
I can understand the extreme anxiety you experienced leading up to your visit with your dad, but you didn’t mention how it went. Boundaries are crucial for you. If you choose to spend time with your family, it’s important to have an “escape plan” for when your anxiety rises.
Cutting off contact completely is a drastic option, but if it’s necessary for your own well-being and to avoid being the family scapegoat, it’s a choice you can make. I don’t recommend blocking contact with your father entirely. Evaluate on a case-by-case basis how his contact affects you. If he only uses his contact to drag you back into the family drama, then distancing yourself may be the best choice.
You might find it helpful to read Sherrie Campbell’s memoir, “But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath” (2019, Morgan James Publishing). Campbell is a psychologist who has extensively written about surviving families that are filled with drama and bullying.
Best of luck,
Amy
Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have enjoyed many travels and fun experiences together. He is a kind and good person, but there is one recurring issue that bothers me. He frequently “forgets” to take photos of me.
I often take numerous photos of him, and he seems to enjoy it. However, when it comes to taking photos of me, he needs to be reminded. We have many travel and adventure pictures, but there is very little evidence that I was present too.
We’ve had discussions about this, and he claims that he no longer enjoys taking photos because they are overused on social media. I understand that many people share too much and I’m not a fan of the selfie obsession either. But it bothers me that he won’t reciprocate. Am I being unreasonable or insecure?
Photophobic
Dear Photophobic,
Your husband does take photos of you when prompted, so remind him more often. It seems that you have a greater inclination towards documenting your experiences, possibly due to your involvement in social media. It’s possible that he simply doesn’t share the same enthusiasm.
Another approach could be to ask others to take photos of you and your husband together. This way, you can have more evidence of your presence in these memories.
Best regards,
Amy
Dear Amy,
“Scared Gran” was unsure about whether to inform her son-in-law about her daughter’s infidelity. There may be a way to approach this conversation without revealing everything. Using a statement like, “I’m concerned about all the overtime Sally’s working,” could be a subtle hint.
Years ago, my dad’s brother told my mom to “get a good lawyer.” He couldn’t explicitly reveal what he knew as a brother, but his intention was to show support for his sister-in-law. This gesture meant a lot to my mom.
Friend
Dear Friend,
That’s a fantastic suggestion. Thank you for sharing it.
Best regards,
Amy
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