The dilemma:
After the Covid lockdowns, our primary school-age son has decided that retirement is what he needs, not being at school. Initially, he returned to school happy and excited. The school ramped up the learning, claiming that the children were behind, and he struggled with that. He wasn’t used to the disruption in class and lost his joy for school. He refused to go in. We spent three months trying to persuade and beg him to go. We even tried the tough approach of dragging him in, but that backfired. The parental support approach of one of us sitting in the school library worked, but we also have jobs to attend to. Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services haven’t been much help, and we received a letter from the county council threatening a fine and legal action.
He was slowly improving until February of this year when his favorite teacher retired. He trusted her and she could control the class. After she left, he couldn’t cope. This led to emotionally-based school avoidance happening again. Home schooling is not an option and we feel isolated in this situation.
Philippa’s answer:
This is not a quick fix situation, and you’re not alone. Not Fine in School is a support group for families with children who struggle or find it impossible to attend school. It was launched in 2018 with 100 members and now has over 30,000 members post-lockdowns.
Persistent absenteeism has increased by 117% since the lockdowns, affecting 22.3% of all pupils in primary, secondary, and special state schools. That’s a total of 1,615,772 pupils. However, the UK educational system tends to portray the individual pupil as the sole problem, disregarding the impact of the school environment and unhelpful government policies on targets. Parents are also unfairly blamed. The educational system relies too much on draconian and punishing measures, such as fines for parents, which is not the only solution. One size does not fit all. Many of our schools are not suitable environments for our children, as they are too noisy, intimidating, and overwhelmed, while resources are insufficient to address these issues.
It seems that your son has been under excessive pressure to “catch up” and doesn’t feel safe in school, especially when he witnesses a teacher losing control of the classroom. He has been thrown back into this situation without a gentle re-entry and without enough time to adjust and feel secure. The children are further stressed by being constantly reminded that they are falling behind and must exert extra effort to catch up.
According to Professor Lucy Easthope, an expert disaster responder, the approach taken in the UK after the pandemic is questionable. After disasters worldwide, many communities allow time for children to heal. They suspend the curriculum and spend several weeks outside. However, the UK has chosen a different path by solely focusing on catch-up and pretending that nothing has happened. The wisest and most empathetic children are not convinced by this approach.
Many individuals who previously did not experience shyness are finding it draining to be among people again after a long period of isolation. It’s as if being social is a muscle that requires regular exercise. During the lockdowns, our social skills deteriorated, and we were made to believe that being too close to others could result in harm. Such messages can deeply affect children.
Children needed time to rebuild their social skills by forming friendships and reconnecting with teachers. Your son made progress when he had a teacher who made him feel safe, but that support was taken away before his confidence fully returned. Scolding him or pressuring him will not make him less sensitive or more confident.
I recommend joining other parents in advocating for more flexibility in schools, additional pastoral help, and a departure from the one-size-fits-all approach. As for your son, consider taking very small steps and be prepared for setbacks along the way.
You should also put pressure on the school to recognize his need for a supportive adult who can establish a strong relationship with him. Without a trustworthy and safe relationship in school, your son will struggle to reintegrate. Additionally, you could arrange short one-on-one playdates to gradually increase his tolerance for being around others.
Take your son’s emotions seriously and make him feel listened to and understood. However, also maintain a calm demeanor to show him that his feelings don’t overwhelm you. This will gradually teach him that he can learn to manage his emotions as well.
Recommended reading: The Orchid and the Dandelion by W. Thomas Boyce, which explores why sensitive people struggle and how everyone can survive, and Square Pegs, Inclusivity, Compassion and Fitting In edited by Ian Gilbert. This book contains helpful case studies and emphasizes that forcing square pegs to fit into round holes only damages the peg, not the hole.
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