Rebuild trust and connection with your wife by understanding what you need during your alone time, according to a therapist. Falling back in love is possible with mutual interest and consistent effort. Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. For more articles like this, check out Doing It Right.
Dear Julia,
Recently, my wife of six years started an emotional affair with a man from work. They constantly message each other, have lunch together, and even go out to dinner. She expressed her unhappiness in our relationship, stating that we weren’t meeting each other’s needs and there was a lot of distance between us. She claimed to have fallen out of love with me. Despite this, she doesn’t want a divorce and believes this other man isn’t worth losing our marriage over. However, she refuses to cut off contact with him. My wife says that I fulfill other roles in her life, such as being her best friend and partner, but I don’t provide the excitement and thrill that this other man does. We’re currently taking space from each other, but I don’t know if or when to call it quits. How should I proceed in this situation?
– San Antonio
Dear San Antonio,
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this uncertain time in your marriage. It’s normal to feel betrayed, less confident, or fearful of the future after discovering a partner’s affair, whether emotional or physical. Hopefully, you have loved ones supporting you as you take some time for yourself. During this process, it’s important to determine if you and your wife share the same values, according to therapist Tracy Dagleish, author of “I Didn’t Sign Up for This.”
Dagleish emphasizes that couples can start anew after an affair, but their success depends on their ability to reflect on their actions, take personal accountability, and commit to changing any behaviors or ways of thinking that may be straining the marriage. While every relationship is unique, those who value healthy relationships are typically interested in making changes to strengthen their connection with their partner.
Consider how you can be more intentional in your marriage and find time to discuss this with your wife, aligning your views and goals. To decide if you want to save your marriage, ask yourself what truly matters to you now and who you want to be in the future. Then, have a calm conversation with your wife to understand her vision for the relationship moving forward. Instead of focusing on the “why” of her emotional cheating, focus on whether both of you can commit to creating a mutually desired and fulfilling marriage.
A couples therapist can be an invaluable resource in facilitating vulnerable conversations about your needs and developing a plan to support yourself and your spouse. They can help your wife understand her desire for excitement within the marriage while helping you find ways to create that thrill. Additionally, a therapist can aid in rebuilding trust and guiding your wife in taking steps to regain your trust.
If you need your wife to end her connection with the coworker in order to move forward, it’s important to communicate that to her honestly. Though it may be scary to express this need, it’s essential to advocate for what you require in a committed relationship. Remember, you deserve commitment and should not settle for less.
If you both decide to repair your marriage, there are ways to reignite the spark you once had. According to Dagleish, honest communication and creating small daily moments of connection, such as holding hands or engaging in shared activities, can help rebuild emotional and physical intimacy. “We fall out of love when we stop being intentional with our partner, when we stop dating them,” says Dagleish. Love endures through small but powerful daily actions, like genuinely listening to your partner and prioritizing flirtation.
To stay accountable to your goals and needs, Dagleish suggests keeping a written record of your relationship values and creating a reasonable timeline for making positive changes in your marriage. While everyone’s timeline will differ, setting unrealistic expectations or waiting too long for change can lead to disappointment. You can’t change your partner, but you can maintain your own expectations for a loving, trusting relationship. Sometimes, this may involve rewriting your story together, while other times, it may mean starting a new story on your own.
As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist. Fill out this anonymous form to submit a question.
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