“Hello, are you in need of sperm? I can provide 😉 When would you like to meet?”
This message isn’t buried in my hidden requests folder on Instagram. It’s just one example of the interesting messages my partner and I have received during our search for a co-parent or a single person to raise a child with.
Our ideal parenting arrangement would involve three or four individuals sharing the responsibilities of raising a child, with the others also contributing to the sperm supply. We see this as an opportunity to overcome the obstacles faced by same-sex couples and redefine the concept of family.
There are several matching services available for those seeking a co-parent: PollenTree, CoParents, Just a Baby, and more. However, we have been unimpressed with the website designs and their sometimes exorbitant fees. In addition, we have encountered some rather strange individuals who we can only refer to as “procreation freaks,” offering unsolicited sperm or indulging in elaborate fantasies.
Scrolling through these apps can be unsettling when you’re not looking for a romantic connection. Some apps even use a Tinder-style swiping feature to browse potential fathers, emphasizing attraction rather than finding a committed and responsible partner. Although we have been on a few “dates” with potential fathers, we have yet to find the perfect match.
Since there are no established norms for these kinds of meetups, we are navigating uncharted territory. While ghosting may be common in romantic dating, we strive to avoid this in our co-parenting dates as the stakes are much higher. Building a friendship and strong connection is essential before embarking on the process of procreation. Call it old-fashioned, but I believe a solid foundation of friendship should precede any involvement with someone’s sperm.
Co-parenting is already common in countries like the Netherlands and Israel, where legislation may soon allow for more than two legal guardians for a child. However, here in the UK, it remains largely unknown. In fact, we discovered this at the Modern Family Show in London, an annual event for LGBTQ+ individuals seeking to start families. Surrogacy was a popular topic, while only a handful of us turned up to learn about co-parenting, mostly women.
Realizing the challenges ahead, my partner Leo took the initiative to create our own group for like-minded individuals. Our first Queer Platonic Co-Parenting meetup exceeded our expectations, with around 40 attendees. Initially intended as a speed-meeting event, it evolved into a support group.
It has been inspiring to witness the demand for this alternative family structure. However, the ratio of available eggs to sperm remains a concern. Based on our experience, co-parenting appeals predominantly to cis women, trans men, and non-binary individuals assigned female at birth. Though data on sexuality and income are limited, it appears that gay men in the US, for example, tend to earn more than lesbians. Co-parenting offers an opportunity to share the financial responsibilities of raising a child, making it an attractive option during a time when becoming a parent has become a luxury for many.
As we patiently wait for the right match, our meetup group has received an overwhelming response. People are grateful for the opportunity to explore alternative parenting methods, just like us. We hope that among them is the person or people we’ve been searching for.
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Eleanor Margolis is a columnist for the i newspaper and Diva
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