As an individual in my late 40s, I have an Asian background and currently reside in the capital city of my husband’s European home country. Together, we have two children. Over two decades ago, we started our family in London, where we lived a fulfilling life. However, circumstances led us to move to our current country twelve years ago. The primary reasons for this decision were to be closer to my husband’s family, gain more support, and benefit from a lower cost of living.
The city we currently reside in is renowned for its multiculturalism and diversity. I dedicated significant effort to learn the language and secure a job. We managed to purchase a small flat, although it falls below the local standards. Nonetheless, it was the best we could afford compared to London’s prices.
Initially, everything seemed to be going smoothly. However, recent developments have made me feel like I no longer belong. The industry in which I work is predominantly dominated by local individuals, which came as a surprise to me. Due to this, I often feel excluded and encounter microaggressions in my day-to-day life, both at the office and elsewhere. This has left me exhausted and isolated.
Additionally, I miss the sensitivity and delicacy that is prevalent in British culture. In my current environment, I find myself needing to adopt a tough, strong, and demanding demeanor, which does not align with my personal nature.
The realization that my eldest child will soon be leaving home and my youngest is growing more independent has made me confront my unhappiness. I recognize that I have prioritized everyone else’s needs above my own. However, I do not wish to wallow in self-pity, as I am familiar with the concept of a mother sacrificing her life for her children. My own mother exemplified this behavior and was adept at making me feel guilty, which ultimately prompted me to leave my country and maintain distance.
I aspire to build a fulfilling life and find happiness. Returning to London immediately is my desire, but I also acknowledge the importance of my life with my husband and children. After all, they have settled into this country and consider it home.
Given the recent turn of events, I wonder what triggered these feelings. Some of the reasons that compelled us to leave London may no longer hold the same weight, particularly since we no longer require as much family support with our children being older. However, certain factors remain pertinent, such as the issue of affordability for housing.
While I fully comprehend and appreciate your insights, both the psychotherapist Chris Mills and I spent a significant amount of time analyzing your letter. We hypothesized that this issue might extend beyond a geographic predicament. It is possible to encounter glass ceilings and encounter ignorant, racist individuals in any city.
Therefore, while these challenges are undeniably problematic, we contemplated whether there might also be a reaction to the significant life changes unfolding before you. With one child leaving home and the other soon to follow, you may be contemplating the next chapter of your life and pondering whether you have fulfilled your own desires.
Despite your belief that you lack toughness and strength, you have undeniably exhibited these qualities by successfully relocating twice. However, to what extent were these moves truly centered around your personal aspirations?
The mid-life phase often brings about a transformative realization for women, prompting them to prioritize their own needs. While we could debate the merits of London versus your current location, Mills believes that the most critical conversation should commence with you discussing your feelings openly and honestly with your husband. Rushing into a decision seems unwise, and instead, you should focus on fostering open communication.
Would it be possible for you to explore job opportunities in London or consider a situation where you work part-time in the city while residing in your current country? Many individuals adopt such arrangements. Additionally, it is worth considering the possibility that you may choose to move to London while your children decide to remain where they are as they grow older. Would London still hold the same appeal if it were just you and your husband?
In the short term, planning a trip to London for yourself and reconnecting with old friends may provide some clarity. Pay close attention to situations that make you feel defensive, as they may shed light on underlying unresolved issues. It is easy to become fixated on a potential “solution” without fully considering the associated problems.
Furthermore, I couldn’t help but wonder if a part of your dissatisfaction stems from retrospective anger. Addressing the root of this anger is crucial, as it will follow you no matter where you choose to live.
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