Carolyn Hax: Partner unable to move on from past, even after parent’s passing

During the past few weeks, I have taken on all the household responsibilities completely, allowing my spouse to focus on their needs and the impending loss. I have been trying to follow your advice of seeking support from others, but due to being busy and physically isolated, I have been handling everything alone without anyone to confide in.

Here is my dilemma: My spouse keeps rehashing the same “coulda, woulda, shouldas” over and over again. I am feeling exhausted and my patience is wearing thin. How can I communicate to my spouse that I want to support them, but constantly revisiting the same issue with the same sad circumstances, multiple times a day, is becoming too much for me?

— Coulda Woulda Shoulda

Coulda Woulda Shoulda: Your spouse can seek support from external sources as well, such as counseling or a grief support group. It might be beneficial for them to pursue both options, as grief support groups are often more accessible and can be arranged proactively while waiting for individual therapy.

You can use the following script to initiate this conversation: “You have been through unimaginable experiences, and I want to continue supporting you. However, I am concerned that you are becoming trapped in a cycle, and I am not qualified to help you break free from it. With your permission, I would like to help you find a grief support group.” See if they are open to this suggestion. If not, assert that it is important and consider outsourcing any household tasks that you can afford to.

Additionally, please prioritize taking care of yourself. You are shouldering a significant burden for an unknown duration. Whether it’s self-care, yoga/meditation, exercise, therapy, or any other method, do not hesitate to seek assistance, and if needed, arrange for childcare to ensure that you can devote time to your own well-being. Your family deserves to have one stable and healthy parent at all times.

It’s possible that completely removing all daily responsibilities is not helping. Uninterrupted time to focus on loss may not necessarily be beneficial. The routine of daily life often grounds us and propels us forward, even in the face of grief and loss.

As someone who lost an elderly parent about 18 months ago, I can sympathize with the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” that occasionally resurface. Logically, I know there was nothing more I could have done, and most days I am at peace with that. However, certain triggers bring back memories and make me wonder if I could have done something differently.

A friend who is also a therapist assured me that this is a normal part of the grieving process. So it is important to recognize that your partner’s behavior is not unusual and that they are going through a grieving process. Therapy may indeed be beneficial in helping them navigate through this.

In addition to Carolyn’s advice, it may be worth considering whether other forms of support would be helpful for both you and your children. While these are your spouse’s parents, they are also grandparents to your children and in-laws to your spouse. Therefore, it might be beneficial to address the entire family’s grief and explore ways to cope with it.