Carolyn Hax: Communication with an ex without involving his contentious partner

The problem is that he now has a new girlfriend who is controlling and doesn’t like me. She ended our relationship and feels threatened by his female friends. He is not allowed to talk to me and lies to her about it, which I think is immature.

Am I wrong for accepting this behavior? I told him I would only talk to him if he is honest with his girlfriend, but he claims that she is unreasonable and it’s easier to lie. What do you think?

You are both contributing to the problem between him and his girlfriend. If he truly disagrees with her rules, he should end the relationship. Taking up a significant amount of each other’s time while he is in a committed relationship is not innocent. Honesty is key in this situation.

You are not just passively accepting his behavior. You are actively enabling him to treat his current girlfriend in the same way he treated you. Your ultimatum lacked substance and did not accomplish anything meaningful.

Although his girlfriend may not be perfect, your actions towards her are not justified. You are putting yourself in a negative situation to spend time with a guy who lacks the courage to end relationships on his own.

Considering all this, the better choice for you is to say “no, thanks” and distance yourself from this unhealthy dynamic.

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend will be moving away at the end of the summer to pursue a grad degree in another state. We initially discussed staying together regardless of the distance, but now I have doubts.

The school she chose is several hours away and I am not in a position to move there. I enjoy my job and current location, and I am not willing to sacrifice my weekends and free time to visit her if there is no end goal to our separation.

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